Saturday, January 10, 2009

Dear Wednesday... Letter to my Cat

Dear Wednesday,

Why is it that every time I get out of my chair, you find it necessary to go frantically scrambling across the wood floor, trying to beat me to the bathroom door?

And why is it, that if you do manage wiggle in ahead of me, you find the need to sit directly in front of me watching my every move. Honestly I feel like when I'm done you're going to hold up a score card to let me know how I did.

And if I actually manage to get into the bathroom before you and close the door,  is all the desperate reaching, scratching, and clawing under the door really necessary?

I can assure you that your presence does not enhance my experience, nor is it necessary for completion of my task.

And when I do finally open the door, rushing in and tangling with my feet will only result in a lot of colorful language that should not be necessary for a simple trip to the bathroom.

And as long as we are talking bathrooms, lets discuss yours for a moment shall we? When one poops in the sand, it should be followed by using said sand to cover up said poop. Otherwise the delicate aroma floats delightfully through the entire house, wafting this way and that until there is not a corner untouched by its fragrance. See me and this can of air freshener? I am not smiling.

I would also like to discuss your fascination with drawers and cabinets. Nothing in any of these places is for you. It is not your job to spend hours stuffing your paws into every crack until you manage to open one and squeeze your body inside. For some unknown reason my family objects to eating off of dishes that have kitty litter residue tracked all over them. They are funny that way. Rest assured that anything that is actually for you will be placed in an easy to get to, convenient and logical location such as your cat dish. There is no need to go on a scavenger hunt.

My hair bands by the way do not belong to you. They are not your personal play things and you do not posses any attribute for which they can be utilized. I have now bought 3 packages and have nothing to show for it. I know you have them. Please give them back.

Also, I am not the least bit interested in hair balls. I not only do not like the look of them but I especially do not like the sound of them. If you absolutely must produce one, would it possible for you to barf them up quietly somewhere where I do not find them, cold and sticky with my foot in the middle of the night?

It would also be helpful if you would stop having disagreements with the other cats that share your space. This only results in blurry feline projectiles that amount to nothing more than hissing, growling streaks flying through the house, leaving tufts of cat fuzz in their wake. There are enough children's shoes and laundry piles for me to trip on, I don't need to add moving targets to the list of things I have to dodge.

And lastly, I understand your desire to be close to me. This is why I placed your cushion directly on my desk. But it is OVER THERE, off to the side where you can jump directly onto it without having to parade across my work area so I can get a nice close look at your ass. It is a nice ass I suppose, from a cats point of view. But Ive seen it before and do not find the need to see it again. This includes lifting your leg, placing it behind your head and preceding to clean said ass with your tongue while you are less than 2 feet from my face. I personally find it unnecessary that we share this activity.

Anything you can do that will help us come to some sort of agreement would be greatly appreciated.

Now if you can please remove your tail from under my nose and stop whacking at the cursor on my screen I can post my little request and we can get on with our day.

Thank you




2 comments:

Leesa said...

Hi Melora!!

Leesa here... Just found your blog from your FB page! Hope all is going well and Happy New Year to all of you!! Take good care and hope to hear from you sometime... I'm adding your blog to my blog updates! Take care...... Leese

Michelle said...

Too funny! :) One of my cats always follows me into the bathroom too, and has to use the litter box when I'm on the toilet...I call it "social peeing", LOL!