The Great Front Seatini Blows a Fuse

Once again the Great Front Seatini is being called upon to see into the future, look into the past, make sense out of the present and in general spout knowledge that no one but she could possibly know. Or want to know, but that's completely beside the point.

"What is it that I can help you with today my son?"

"I was thinking......"

"Uh oh..  I mean go on...."

"I was thinking about how many presents I am going to get for Christmas.
I know the amount I get is based on how good I have been."

"I always thought it was based on how much money we had in the bank... but anyway... go on."

"So I was adding up all sorts of things.
There are 25 days until Christmas and if I do a good deed every day until then that should count for something.
But then I was also thinking that there may have been a few times that I wasn't so good."

(Do tell)

"Like there might have been once or twice that I wasn't as nice to Katherine as I could have been"

"Really, only once or twice?"

"Then there was those few times I didn't clean my room up when you told me too."

"Just a few huh?"

"So can you help me with the math?"

"Is this regular 1 + 1 stuff or the new math?"

"If I am good for 25 days, then take off maybe 3 or 4 days from the past that I wasnt so good..."

"I see you are being rather generous to yourself..."

"Then I take into account how much I WANT to be good and multiply those days by that.... then maybe I can do some extra credit on a few days too... and add those in... and I know you have to pay Santa for the gifts so I wouldn't want you to have to spend too much.... so maybe we could divide all this by some number to take into account how much it all costs and then I wanted to add in the number of gifts that Katherine and I get as joint gifts because those count too.
So if you do all that, how many gifts do you think I'm going to get for Christmas?"

We're sorry the Great Front Seatini has blown a fuse and must close for repairs.
Please try back in 24 hours to see if the circuits have reset themselves.
Thank you for your patronage.

Alert Today, Alive Tomorrow

Once again the Great Front Seatini has been called upon to answer the unanswerable, to reveal all that is hidden, and just in general to be a complete know-it-all.

"Yes, my son...what question is weighing upon your young soul?"

"If our house were to suddenly explode, do we have one of those big holes in the backyard where we could hide?"

"A hole in the backyard? You mean like a bomb shelter?"

"A BOMB SHELTER? Why does the bomb need shelter? It's us who need to hide..not the bomb!
Geez mom what are you thinking?"

Yeah I ask myself that on a daily basis.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

How to live in comfort while the world is being destroyed

While I was growing up my girlfriend had one of these in her backyard.

We used to open it up and peer down into the blackness through all spider webs.

It had a wooden staircase that didn't look like it would hold our weight.

It was a sobering reminder of the fear that people lived with.

A 33 RPM record was put out in 1961 with recommendations on how to survive extended time in your backyard shelter:

Please keep these items stocked in your shelter at all times:
cups, napkins, matches, pocket knife, battery-powered radio and extra batteries, human waste can, recreational and spiritual supplies, books, cards and games... By all means provide some tranquilizers to ease the strain and monotony of life in a shelter. A bottle of 100 should be adequate for a family of four. Tranquilizers are not a narcotic and are not habit forming. Ask a doctor for his recommendation.


No one knows if you'll ever need a shelter, but in this atomic age it's wise to be prepared. The best advice your government can give you is Alert Today, Alive Tomorrow.

I am wondering how one can be alert today if one has access to a bottle of 100 tranquilizers.
Lucky they aren't habit forming!

The Great Front Seatini

You, yes you in the back row with the blond hair and freckles...
What question do you have for the all knowing all powerful front seat-ini?
Ask anything... your deepest most thought provoking question, perhaps one that has plagued mankind for years...
Whatever it is the Great Front Seatini will put an end your eternal wondering...

"If you were made out of chocolate and you started to eat yourself...
Would it hurt?"

You're on your own with that one kid.