Blue Toenails for Everyone

So it doesn't take a genius to see that I have completely neglected my poor blog.
I haven't been idle however.
I started a page over on Facebook last month called "A Little Slice of Vintage Life" and have spent quite a bit of my time promoting it and delighting in the fact that my "likes" on the page have marched to over 1000.
But I haven't been here too much.
When I dropped by this morning I noticed that I had once again collected some new followers despite my lack of effort so I thought maybe I should give this a try again.
It's not like the Dynamic Duo has stopped giving me material.

I had just picked them up from Karate and was heading out the driveway on the other end of the complex when Katherine noted the "Foot Massage Parlor" tucked in the back corner.

K: Look Mom, you can get a whole hour's worth of a foot massage there for only $40.

I didn't know how to tell her that I doubted any foot massaging would be going on during said hour.
Our pretty little town, with it's extremely low crime rate and extremely high real estate prices hides a dirty little secret... We have more "Foot Massage Parlors" per capita than anywhere else in the United States. I may be exaggerating a bit but if you drive the boulevard, there is one in almost every strip mall so I bet I am not too far off with my statistics. And I am quite sure we do not also lead the nation in foot fetishes, so I can be pretty confidant that there are other things going on behind the curtained windows beside hot oil treatments and loofah scrubbing.

J: I don't think I'd like to have someone rub my feet, it hurts.
K: Yeah, Gabby kicked the pedicure lady in the face once because she rubbed too hard.
J: See? I told you.
K: Hey can I paint your toenails if I don't rub your feet.
J: Um, I guess so, can I read while you're doing it?
K: Sure, That'll be fun. Let's do it when we get home.
J: OK, but make sure you put on a base coat before you put on the color. Then make sure you put a topcoat on afterwards so it doesn't chip off. And you can't paint them pink, or even red. Do you have blue? (I'd really love to know how he even knows about the proper method of toenail painting, but I kept my mouth shut).
K; Yeah, I'll paint mine blue too, then when we take our shoes off at Karate it will be joke and everyone will laugh because our toenails will match.
J: OK, but remember I get to read while you're doing it.
***Pause***
Me: Jeffrey?
J: Yes?
Me: You don't mind having your nails painted? You don't think anyone will make fun of you?
J: (eye roll): Geez Mom why do I care? It's not like they'll be pink or anything. And it they made fun of me I would ignore them because they are dumb and I don't care what dumb people think.

Well there you have it.

He's been listening to me all this time.
Who would have thought!

Did you know, no one can drive except me?

If people would just learn how to drive I would not need to continually draw from my list of handy dandy questions and helpful suggestions for other drivers.


What are you doing?
No seriously, What... ARE... you doing?

Go... Go.... please just go.....

Crap, is that a cop?

I'm already driving over the speed limit, what more do you want?

They have a slow lane for a reason... use it and get out of my way.

Where did you learn to drive?  Mario Cart?

G**DAMN woman drivers!

Is THAT a cop?

Go... GO GO GO...  why aren't you going?

What are you 105? Get off the road!

It's called a gas pedal.... USE IT!

Beware the van.

It was MY turn...

Now THAT looks like cop.

Who taught you to drive, my grandmother?

Turn.... now.... go now.... TURN! For the love of GOD why don't you turn already???

Why can't everyone drive as well as I do?

Oh I'm sorry.... was I in your way?

Make up your mind! This lane or that lane.

Not BOTH lanes.

NICE TURN SIGNAL JERK!

Why would you do that? WHY?

Go... gogogogogo.... you could have gone 20 times.. what is WRONG with you?

CRAP CRAP CRAP.... Now THAT IS a cop.

A Visit to the Huntington Library in Pasadena

In an effort for the kids not to spend the entire summer holed up in their room on electronic entertainment and to broaden their cultural horizons, we took advantage of the Huntington Library's free day.

They give the tickets away on the first of the month for the following month. I had to fight the hoards on line by hovering over the "get tickets" button well before 9 AM when the ticket agency opened because I discovered the month before that Free Tickets are like Free Money and they were snatched up and gone within 2 minutes of opening. Making me have to try again next time.

And it also happens to be a pretty freakin' long way away from our house. Probably an hour by the time we navigated the freeways (and stopped to let me use the bathroom). Or maybe it just seemed like an hour with all the "Are we there yet?" and "How come it looks like we're going to Disneyland? Isn't this the way we go when we go to Disneyland? Why don't we just go there instead...???"

Eventually we arrived, parked and headed in.

This used to be a private residence back in the day.

I loved this:

Beautiful flowers:

The view from the top of the hill. You can see out into Pasadena.

First we made our way down into the Japanese Gardens:
Love this giant bell. There used to be something you could strike it with but I guess people abused the privilege so it's not there anymore.

They have this beautiful tea room open to look at but you can't go inside:

Zen Garden:

The Bonsai Tree Garden.
These were SO incredible:

We went into the giant greenhouse which was incredibly humid but the plants were beautiful:

The orchids in a cage:

The center dome:

This plant (on the right) is in the process of producing one HUGE leaf that will be 15 foot tall.:

This looks like something out of Dr. Seuss:

They thought this huge leaf was worth posing in front of:

Hey, go stand in front of the giant urn and I will take a picture...
No not go look goofy.....
Smile... stand there and just smile....
Oh never mind....

We finally made it into the main residence which was incredible:

A Gutenberg Bible:

Sarah, Jeff & Jeffery admiring Blue Boy:

Pinky across the gallery:

George Washington:

I couldn't use my flash so this picture is blurry but it gives you the idea of how impressive the galleries were:

Outside looking out at the grounds:

Geek Family Games ~~ Videos

Back in June I entered a Fathers Day video contest.

It was the first time I tried out editing.

I made the top 10 in the contest but didn't make the coveted top 5 probably because I didn't really adhere to spirit of the contest which was supposed to be about memories you had playing games with your dad and how it affects your family.

I had a real blast doing it though and really want to make some more.

This is an "outtake" reel that I made.

Gives you a good idea of what a lovely pair of coconuts I've got.

Mostly just for more practicing in editing.

Summer Follies

Not sure when I became such an old curmudgeon.

But I'm not enjoying this thing called summer at all.

Now don't get me wrong, I love being able to sleep in later than 7AM and not have to drive the dynamic duo and Captain Quiet to school, but this kids not only being at home all day, every day, but having to feed them as well is getting old. Seriously, when did they start eating so much? Isn't one meal a day enough? Or maybe one meal and a snack? Do they really need to grow any bigger?

Feeding them lunch not only requires a large amount of time but it makes such a huge mess in the kitchen.

You know, the kitchen I just cleaned up the night before when they insisted they needed to eat dinner.

Today I've got not only my 3 but the twins here as well. So I used some of my finest culinary skills and produced a lovely spread that should satisfy even the pickiest customers.

Macaroni and cheese, fresh off the stove, leftover spaghetti (with homemade sauce) ham and cheese or peanut butter and grape jelly sandwiches that I would make because they aren't allowed to touch the knives for obvious reasons.

Really... what more could they ask for?

How about: Milk, green juice, cucumber salad, sauce without the yucky spongy mushroom-y pieces in it, strawberry jelly, pasta that isn't in that weird twirly shape, a different color cheese for the sandwich.

I would go on but you get the idea.

Once they realized that nothing else was forth coming, they settled down and ate the offerings without much more commentary and moved on.

Trying to keep a positive attitude and a clean kitchen I started loading the dishwasher and putting the food away.

I had just stuck the large plastic spoon in the bowl of mac and cheese when Katherine screamed at the top of lungs, scaring the absolute crap out of me and causing me to launch a spoonful of cheesy pasta into the air, onto the ceiling, into my face, hitting the front of the fridge and sliding, this way and that all the way to the floor leaving a yellow gooey cheesy trail in its wake.

I was caught in that moment when something unexpected happens and you can't do anything but stand there and stare. Katherine snapped me out of when she came bursting into the kitchen yelling something about a spider. She came to a screeching halt, mouth agape and eyes huge.

"Why did you throw macaroni and cheese onto the fridge?"

She looked up.

"And on the ceiling? And on your face?"

A muscle in my jaw flexed and for the life of me I could not think of single thing to say. Well other than a few things I could not include here.

She opened her mouth I assume to yell for her brother to come take a look, when I told her quietly,evenly that if she dared say one word I would require her to spend the rest of the day writing "I will remember to use my indoor voice and not scream and scare people to death" until it was time to go to bed.

Looking utterly perplexed, she turned and disappeared without another word.

I spent at least 15 minutes cleaning up that mess, then another 15 working through the dishes that had been left in the wake of lunchgate.

Now I've got 5 hours until the whole process starts all over again with dinner.

Frozen pizza is starting look like a reasonable and healthy choice.
And I will keep telling myself that until I almost believe it.

HONK HONK HONK!!!!!

Apparently, even though I might believe otherwise, I am not the poster child for proper and polite driving manners.

I was pulling out of the market parking lot the other day, waiting for the traffic to clear so I could turn right. When it looked like I had an opening I pulled out into the far right lane just as someone changed lanes in the intersection and almost plowed into me.

I swerved out of the way.

"HEY" Jeffrey shouted from the back seat... "HEY, did you see that?? Honk at that guy... Why didn't you honk? Did you see him? He almost hit us! HONK HONK HONK!!!!! Why aren't you honking?"

"Jeffrey, calm down. Whoever it was is long gone."

"But you should have honked... That was the perfect time for you to have honked... you ALWAYS honk when someone is being an idiot."

"I do NOT!"

It would be highly inappropriate for me to pass judgement on someone's mental competency when I have not even met them.

"Yes you do.... you always honk one really long time and then you yell at them that they are being an idiot."

Apparently Jeffrey has been driving in a car with some OTHER mother.

Because I would never do that.

Really.

No really.

I swear.

Way Back When

Kids don't understand that certain things in their life that they take for granted are not inalienable rights, but instead are given to them as favors and can be taken away if grantor of said favors deems it no longer in their best interest to continue giving of themselves.

 For instance, like being driven to school instead of having to walk.

Overheard this morning:

"Mom, did you know that you used to be able to buy a hamburger for only 10¢?"

"Really? Wow that was a good deal."

"But it was a very, very long time ago. WAAAAAAY way back when."

"And exactly how "way back when" are you talking about?"

"Like when you were a kid."

If we weren't on the freeway at that very moment I would have pulled over and made him walk.

You know like I had to do when I was a kid.

20 miles.

In the snow.

Uphill.

Both ways.

Talent Show Mania

It's that time of year again. The talent show is upon us.

And, so as not to break with tradition, I did not find out until Monday that the try-outs are next Tuesday.

So I have next-to-no-time to get the dynamic duo to learn a routine well enough to show the try-out committee.

Last night was our first "rehearsal". I use that term loosely because the first 15 minutes consisted of a lot of bitching and whining about who was going to stand in the front, which way they were going to start the first move and wondering how much longer this was going to take. That last part was mine.

The following is a list of notes and helpful suggestions from the peanut gallery:

J: Katherine keeps stepping on my feet.
K: Its not my fault your feet are so big.

K: Jeffrey keeps hitting me in the face when he makes his turn.
J: Its not my fault your face is so big.
K: MOM!

J: I'm not doing that move. It makes me look like a girl.
K: Its not just the move that does that.
J: MOM!

K: I can't start like that. I'm not left handed.
Me: That has nothing to do with which direction you start in.
K:  It doesn't? Oh Ok.
Me (silently) Are we through yet?

Jeff (from his office): Now you know how I feel when I'm teaching them at the dojo twice a week.

It's a wonder he hasn't used a karate chop on one of them in the past year.

I have 6 days to get them relatively good at this.
If I don't throttle them in the mean time.
Wish me luck.

Here is their routine from 2 years ago... They've grown so much (sniff sniff).

Search Terms From the Twilight Zone

Because I tend to be nosy (just ask anyone) I occasionally check out who is visiting my blog.

I have traffic counters that tell me what city or country viewers come from and also how they got here. Such as links I posted, if they were just browsing Blogger, or if they typed in certain key words.

The most popular searchs that land people here are: "are mermaids real?" "real mermaids found" "photos (or videos) of real mermaids".

Yep, you read that right. REAL mermaids.

This is because I have a Disney post chronicling the Submarine Voyage at Disneyland and it features pictures of the "real" mermaids who used to sit in the lagoon and wave at the people as they passed by.

Apparently there are hundreds of people out there in Google Search-land that think there is proof of living mermaids right here on the internet. And the 5000+ hits on my blog post prove it.

But I also have other off the wall terms that have brought people to my little corner of the world.

Just from the last week I found the following items listed on the "how they got here" page:

The Future (of what and why was my blog ranked second on the search results? Do I know more than I think I do? Should I go and buy lottery tickets? I need to know!)

Spring break adventure stories nude (OK I did write a post titled "Spring Break Adventures" but nowhere did I include the word NUDE or any pictures featuring anyone or anything NUDE. I did go back and check it out though just to be sure)

If kids were cats (I'd need more litter boxes)

Summer pictures; love on the beach (I did post a whole bunch of summer beach pictures but it was more goofballs on the beach as opposed to love)

Weird but true facts about losing weight (lots of weird but true around here, but not much about losing weight... even though I am trying)

Flying Saucer Girl (Obviously they were looking for that picture of me in the sexy little astronaut uniform)

Japanese Porn (I have a entry entitled Sushi Porn, so I guess it's sort of the same thing)

My Pony My Friend (well alrighty then...)

Situations where you would never give up or never surrender (seriously.. I cant make this stuff up)

INDIen ceaf vilige Disney pic (not sure how Google got them routed around to the pictures of the Indian Village Disney Chiefs, but apparently they figured it out.. on the plus side, they DID spell Disney right)

Jeffrey plays video games (even though this is a well known fact, I am unclear as to the reasons behind this search)

Rear end accidents at autopia Disney Photos (I thought I destroyed all those... who told?)

The list could go on for quite a bit longer but as you can see there is no end to the off the wall things people search for. And for some reason some of those searches land people here. I hope some stay and have a look around, even if it wasn't what they were looking for... We enjoy the company!

A really bad, awful, terribly horrible day

There is nothing subtle about Jeffrey.

I guess if you read this with any regularity you would know that.

Last Friday I picked him up from school (Katherine had gone to Gabby's for a sleepover). When he got into the car he announced that this had the been the worst day of his life. It was so bad in fact that he didnt even know if could talk about it.

That sentiment of course did not last long.

He said the day started out with great promise as it was Friday and the class has hot chocolate every Friday morning. With the enthusiasm this causes, you might think he didn't have hot chocolate as a dessert choice every night at home.

But that's beside the point.

So his morning of great promise went straight downhill when *somehow* his cup got knocked over before he got even 2 drinks and went all over the desk, into his lap and onto the floor. He had to spend the whole time he would have been drinking nirvana by soaking up the mess with paper towels.

"AND THEN" (he said so loud that I winced)..... "the worst possible thing happened.... I was sitting there minding my own business quietly doing my math,"

(I refrained from verifying the authenticity of  exactly what he meant by *quiet*)

"When my teacher came by my chair and stopped to answer someone's question. You know there isn't very much room between the chairs right? And you know that my teacher is, ummm.... well she is bigger than the space between the chairs right?" (This was his attempt to be polite) "So when she finished answering the question and turned around she knocked me clean out of my chair with her butt. (pause) Everyone laughed at me. (pause) I was mortified. (pause) I DON'T KNOW IF I CAN SHOW MY FACE BACK IN CLASS AGAIN!"

Nice try kid. You still have to go to school.

I was also trying very hard not to laugh out loud.

"MOM! Its not funny!"

"I'm sorry, you're right it's not. I imagine your teacher was a bit embarrassed too."

"Are you kidding? She yelled at me for fooling around. I don't think she even felt the impact.
My life is over."

"Would it help if you had something yummy when you got home and then you can play Little Big Planet?"

"I guess so. But I think I may be scarred for life."

As I said, subtlety is not one of his defining characteristics... but he does provide quite a bit of comic relief to my day.

Horn Tuskers

There comes a time in your life when you realize you take certain knowledge for granted.
There are things you figure everyone knows so it's a bit of a reality check when you discover not everyone is as well informed as you are.


Katherine: Today was Colonial Day so we made dolls out of things like they did in the old days.
Me: Really, what did you make them out of?
Katherine: Out of the horn of a tusker something or other...
Me: A what?
Katherine (sensing the disbelief in my voice) : Ummm maybe I got that wrong maybe it was a tusk of a horny something..
Me: I don't think that's right either...
Katherine: Well I forget what Ms Sendejas said.. or maybe I wasn't paying attention (SHOCKER) but is was definitely out of some kind of growth from some kind of animal.
Me: Why don't you just show me what you made....
She brings out the doll
Me: Katherine...  these are CORN HUSKS... they cover corn while it is growing... You peel it off before you eat it and it gets hard and turns this light tan color. This does not come from an animal.
Katherine: OOOOOHHHHhhhhhh... I thought you peeled it off some kind of growth that some animal had growing out of its face... like a unicorn or something.
Me: Face palm.

The Thought Process of a 10 Year Old

I was confronted today with the realization that kids are in their own world and do not necessarily use this wonderful thing we humans are supposed to be blessed with called "thought process".

I can't count how many times I have said "Does that make any sense? Use your brain and think it through!".

But a kid would have to realize that they AREN'T thinking it through in the first place and since mine are 10 and 11, that's just not going to happen.

This afternoon I was taking a moment and reading on the couch while Jeffrey & Katherine and Jacob & Olivia were outside soaking each other with Nerf water guns.

They had only been out there for maybe 5 minutes when Katherine and Olivia came stomping inside.

"What's wrong?" I asked (not REALLY wanting to know because it might mean I had to get up and referee).

Katherine immediately began explaining: "I accidentally" (read: on purpose) "shot Jeffrey in the ear with water and when I tried to tell him I didn't mean to, he told me I did it on purpose, and when I told him I didn't" (read" I did but don't want to admit it) "he told me to SHUT UP. And we don't want to play anymore anyway."

And off they went into the bedroom to sit their wet behinds on the floor after I have told them 100 times not to...

But I digress.

Fast forward 15 minutes and in come Jeffrey and Jacob, laughing and giggling.

As they are hurrying through I ask "Jeffrey... did you tell Katherine to shut up?"

"OK, no problem" Jeffrey calls out and hurries even faster towards his room.

Wait, what?

"Jeffrey?!?"

He pops his head around the corner... "Yes?"

"What did you think I just said?"

"You told me to 'go tell Katherine to shut-up'. But I haven't done it yet."

Seriously son?

In what reality did you wake up in this morning?

"Jeffrey do you honestly think I would tell you to tell your sister to shut up?"

"Well I don't know... maybe... she can get pretty loud and I know if I get tired of it, then you must get tired of it too. I figured I was doing you a favor because this way you didn't have to get up and go tell her yourself."

OK, I was wrong.

He did think it through.

Just not the way I hoped he would.

You were saying what?

This has been one of those weeks.

I have a lot them so when one shows up I shouldn't be surprised.

I know I need a vacation from my life when I find myself doing things that if I were calm and stress free wouldn't happen. The type of things that make Jeff close his eyes, shake his head and wonder what he got himself into by marrying someone like me.

This morning I got up from the couch, walked into the kitchen to see what time it was, went back into the living room sat down and realized I hadn't actually been paying any attention and had to go back check again.

Then I took a shower, got out and started to wrap my hair in a towel and realized I didn't rinse the shampoo out of my hair.

I try to tell myself that at least I haven't answered the door naked so that must count for something right?
AND I haven't lost any credit cards, my Costco card or locked my keys in the car anytime in the last month so I'm doing good right?

RIGHT??

The apple must not fall far from the tree because today Sarah called and said she was all moved into her new larger apartment but she forgot to call the electric company and tell them she needed power. She said the power was on when she moved in over the weekend but when she woke up this morning, it had been turned off. So she was walking around in a sweltering hot sauna and she kept trying to turn the lights on every time she went into a different room. And on top of that her cell phone was dying so she went and plugged it into the charger, waited, then couldn't figure out why the power indicator went down instead of up.

Yep... like mother like daughter.

I eventually got a hold of the power company for her since her cell phone had about 5 minutes left on it and talked them into turning the power on same day. I convinced them she might otherwise die of heat exhaustion.

So my goal is to make enough money in the next few months to send me (OK and the rest of the crew too) on vacation. My brain just needs something to look forward too. And I think a nice 2 week stay in central Florida just might do the trick.

ARGH! and OOPS!

Damn it...... Where did the week go?

Well part of it went into going back to the sadist dentist (any wonder why those words sound so similar?) and having to have my poor mouth packed with this stuff to help it heal since is wasn't.

Happy to report that at least that seems to have worked.

But in other news, it was a big week of OOPS! and  ARGH!

Two (count 'em TWO) times this week I was innocently sitting on the sofa enjoying my morning coffee when it suddenly got a mind of it's own and did a triple gainer into my lap. Which then also included the couch and the carpet as well.

When it happened this morning Jeffery immediately went into "fix-it" mode (after I flew into the air with a string of colorful language that should have been bleeped out) . "Mom.. it's Saturday, the best day of the week, so nothing bad can happen right? This wasn't too bad was it? You can fix it right? Can I get paper towels. Can I help you clean it?"

It was hard to be too upset after that.

And for the ARGH portion of the program, I give you our dinner last night.

We are all sitting around enjoying some really good hamburgers chatting and feeling relieved that the evening was  getting cooler when the dog started sniffing around and looking out the door.

Now this is a big deal with the dog because if you miss her cues she is likely to go to the SAME damn spot in the den and piddle. (Insert irritated face here).

So I told Katherine to take her out and make sure she went.

Katherine carried her out and about 2 minutes later brought her in and announced that she had peed and pooped. (The dog, not Katherine in case you were wondering.)

OK good. I thought, now she's good for a couple of hours.

"OH NO!" Jeffrey looked horrified.

OH crap.. that's never a good thing to hear out of your kid.

And I looked down and indeed Oh Crap was the right term to have used.

Apparently if you do not give your shaggy dog a Brazilian wax of the behind they have the tendency to get hanger-on-ers.

And what does a dog do when it gets into one of these unfortunate situations?

It sits down (on the carpet) and proceeds to butt-ski in a zig-zag line along said carpet until it manages to dislodge all of the offending hanger-on-er.

OH CRAP OH CRAP OH CRAP!

I'm not sure if I was stating the obvious or just really pissed off.

I think it was a little of both.

I grabbed the dog and tossed her and her poopy rear out the door.

When I turned around I noticed that no one was left at the table.

Way to be supportive guys.

Turns out only the kids abandoned me, Jeff had hustled to the laundry room to get the carpet cleaning machine.

The machine did the trick but I couldn't use it to clean the dog, so I had to carry her in (at arms length), throw her in the sink and bathe her (for the second time this week).

Today I am going to look into the butt waxing thing so as not to have to go through that all over again.

Seeing as this weekend is going to be over 100° for the next 3-4 days, I may decide to wax the entire dog and not just her rear.

Saturday Shenanigans

Saturday morning dawned bright and way too early.

Jeff had to go to Coronado to help with a Black Belt grading and he left at 6 AM. I was excited because I figured this would give me an opportunity to sleep in. Yeah right. 7 AM and I am up, brewing coffee and walking the dog in the beach fog that reached all the way to our house.

But I figured it wouldn't be all bad. I could snuggle up on the sofa and have my coffee, watch Through the Wormhole with Morgan Freeman and just in general relax in the calm peaceful morning silence.

Yeah, I live in Fantasyland.

By 8 AM the happy sounds of too much time and not enough to do had already started drifting out of the bedroom at the end of the hall.

Have you met my children... Mr & Mrs Ridiculous?

"KATHERINE!!"

"JEFFREY!!"

OK they know each others names.

"TURN THAT DOWN! I CANT HEAR!"

"WHY DON'T YOU TURN YOURS DOWN BECAUSE I CANT HEAR?"

"KATHERINE! I have to hear when I throw my fishing pole in the water. Fishing is a quiet sport."

"Exactly... so turn your sound down and it will be quiet."

"NOOOOO! I have to be able to HEAR!"

"I thought you said it was quiet? If it's quiet what do you have to hear??"

"You're so mean.. MOM!!! Katherine is being mean."

"I AM NOT!"

OK scratch quiet couch time.

I figured I would take a shower because that would certainly be relaxing. Warm water, closed behind 2 doors with no one to bother me.

Yes, exactly what I needed.

There is such a fine line between needing and getting.

I did make it all the way behind 2 closed doors and into the warm water but that's when it sort of went all wrong.

Now if any of you read this often enough you know that I often jump to irrational conclusions.
One such example chronicled here.
One might think I would learn my lesson but I'm living proof that hasn't happened yet.

So there I am basking in the glory of the hot water, leaning my head back, closing my eyes as the warmth flows over my head and down my back, rinsing the delicious smelling shampoo out of my hair when it happened.

Something touched my leg. It was just a light touch at first, almost a caress. Felt like a finger starting at my thigh and moving down towards my knee. My first irrational thought was that Jeffrey had come into the bathroom and opened the door and was trying to get my attention, but as I peeked open one eye I realized the shower door was still closed so that highly unlikely scenario was ruled out. I squeezed my eyes shut and started to panic. I moved my leg slightly towards the opposite wall and the light caress turned into a full on push and scraping past my knee and down onto my calf. If it weren't for the fact that whatever it was was between me and the door I would have bolted, soaking wet and naked out of the bathroom, down the hall and into the living room and worry about scarring the children for life later when it was all over.

All I could do was jump sideways into the wall, yelping loud enough for the neighbors to wonder if they should call 911 and then listen to the extremely loud crashing noise as I forced myself to open my eyes, look down and figure out that the 2 foot high zombie that had somehow materialized in the shower with me was actually the shower stand that had fallen over and landed against my leg.

There were bottles and things everywhere. Shampoo, conditioner, body wash, face wash, shaving gel, a bar of soap, a razor. There was no place left to stand because the entire shower floor was one big mess.

I'm not really sure if I was more relived or irritated. Why on earth do I panic so quickly?
It's really embarrassing.

Seriously I need more calm relaxing moments in my life to help steady my hyperactive imagination.

But considering it's only the 3rd week of June and the kids don't go back to school until the 3rd week of August, I'm not likely to be getting much of that any time soon.

And to top it off, I've got this great plan for today... it's called taking the kids shopping.

Yeah, I thought that through.

I'll let you tomorrow if I survive.

Preparing to grin and bear it, Captain.

3 Weeks and counting until school lets out.

This is always a mixed blessing. This means we do not have to get up at 7 AM every day and drive the crew to school. But it then follows that the crew is not in school.

After a week or two of this I begin to think that getting up early isn't such a bad trade off. Eleven weeks with the Bickersons  (AKA Jeffrey & Katherine) can get a little tedious.

This summer we will add to fun by having the twins, Jacob and Olivia with us 3 days a week.

Double the noise, double the fun!

I plan on structuring their days so there isn't a lot of time for miscellaneous grousing, complaining, fighting and hollering. I think we'll make every Friday a beach day. We're about 1/2 an hour from Zuma Beach and I always complain I don't go enough every summer so this way I will be forced into doing what I wanted to do in the first place.

And at least one day a week I plan on an outing to someplace interesting. But after the Museums downtown, the La Brea Tar Pits and the Griffith Observatory I'm already out of ideas. Well, out of ideas that don't cost a small fortune.

Being the end of the year, the teachers are trying to squeeze as much into these last few weeks as possible.
This includes Open House which encompasses giving up your dinner hour to drive to the school, park 8 blocks away, fight your way through the crowds to your kids classroom, fight the crowds IN your kids classroom, spend 2 minutes with the teacher who tells you what a pleasure your kid has been all year before dashing off to repeat the same thing to the next parent in line, fight  your way back through the crowds, walk 8 blocks back to your car and go home and wonder what you accomplished.

But I found out earlier this week that we will have the  real pièce de résistance at the end of this year. Something I have never had the pleasure of experiencing before.

Because Jeffrey and Katherine are both in 4th grade, they both do the same projects and take the same tests and go on the same field trips etc. So if one of them is clueless to what is going on, the other one will probably know. It's been a nice little perk until now.

The last thing the kids are studying this year is the California gold rush. And to go with this unit they are performing a play complete with songs and skits and all the other stuff that accompanies an elementary school performance.

There are five 4th grades and instead of doing 5 separate plays they are combining the classrooms. 2 classes plus half of one class will perform at 6 PM next Friday followed by 2 1/2 half classes performing the exact same play at 7 PM the same day.

If you have even a single thought in your head you should know where I am going with this. That's right ladies and gentlemen.... Katherine and Jeffrey are in different performances.

This translates into 2 (count 'em.. 2) hours we will have to sit through watching the same show twice.

I asked Katherine what her part was.

"These are my lines 'Welcome parents and family. Thank you for coming to our show. Please sit back and relax and enjoy our performance.' I'm the Hostess."

"And what else do you do?"

"I sing in a couple of the songs. That's it."

"And Jeffrey, what are your lines?"

"I don't have any. I'm a dancer."

"You have no lines whatsoever?"

"Nope. And I'm not happy about it. Do I have to do this play?"

Don't I wish.

I saw this exact same play when Alex was in the 4th grade six years ago. And at that time I do not remember thinking that it was so good that not only would I want to see it again  but I'd like to catch it twice in one night.

Now don't get me wrong, Jeff and I will both be there and cheer our kids on and never let on that we are suffering. But if I could just get my hands on who divided up the classes without regard to the parents of siblings, I would certainly give them a piece of my mind.

Of course I may not have much left after next Friday so maybe I just better grin and bear it.
I've become pretty good at that lately.

It's the end of the world as we know it ~~ And I feel fine.

My Facebook page is littered with videos and tips and suggestions for the coming Rapture tomorrow. If I read them all I should be quite prepared.

Wait, do I capitalize Rapture? I'm not sure. I know I'm supposed capitalize God. ACK.. wait a second.. I think I'm supposed to write G-D instead of spelling it out completely. Right?

See what happens when you don't grow up going to church? So many unanswered questions. And really important ones too. For instance, should one dress up for the coming event tomorrow? Like an evening gown or cocktail dress or can I be slightly more causal in a pants suit and heels? I wouldn't want to offend anybody and show up Friday casual. Oh wait, it's Saturday so maybe that doesn't count. And do my clothes even go with me? I've heard that there will be empty cars and discarded clothing littering the streets so maybe I shouldn't be giving it any thought. Come as you are and just bring your smile.

Of course it's really a moot point because it is one party that I am definitely not invited too. Which is fine because I doubt I would like the company anyway. And they certainly would not like me so I guess we're even.

If on the other hand you plan attending I do ask that you avoid driving or otherwise operating any sort of machinery that depends heavily on human guidance. Those of us left behind (aka the Damned) will already have to deal with the fact that we now face earthquakes, plagues, fire, gay pride, pestilence, war, famine etc. without having the inconvenience of dodging unoccupied cars, falling aircraft, out of control forklifts and the like when you are sucked into heaven. And if you are unsure as to whether you will be attending said Rapture, it might be best to err on the side of caution and stay home, prepare a nice meal, watch some TV and relax because before you know it you're going to be greeting your long lost loved ones, fitted for wings and be busy settling into the afterlife. You have no idea when the next time you'll be able to catch an episode of Fox News or the O'Reilly Factor.

For those of left behind, let's go find all of our gay friends, catch some great tunes on the radio and relax without being told we are all gong to Hell.

Because we will already be there.

And in good company too I might add.

Night of the Living Scaredy Cat

We should all know by now that I am a huge scaredy cat.

I'm afraid of spiders, roller coasters, bungee jumping, heights, deep water.

With that list I would guess my ultimate form of torture would be bungee jumping off a very tall roller coaster into deep water filled with spiders.

But I digress.

BUT..even worse than those, and something I still hate to this day, is being home alone at night.

I hate it. I hear things. I imagine things. I see things moving around outside.

I have to check every door lock twice and then follow that with a thorough check of all the windows and maybe even the air vents for good measure.

I am truly the worlds biggest baby.

I bring this up because the other day I was reminded of an incident that happened about 13 years ago when I still lived out in Hollywood.

My house there was 1/2 mile down a bush lined driveway. It was extremely private and you could not see the other two neighbors houses (one above and one below) that shared the road with me. It was the perfect set-up for a suspense filled thriller where no one could hear or see someone being murdered.

But I'm getting ahead of myself.

At the time of this story I was living alone with my 4 kids and 2 dogs. It was quite late that night (probably around 11PM), the kids were asleep and I was awake in the den smartly watching an X-files about Zombies from Haiti. I am pretty sure I was hiding under a blanket with only one eye peeking out between the scary scenes.

I knew I shouldn't be watching it but I couldn't stop myself. Story of my life sometimes.

About half way through the episode I looked out the window and saw that the hazard lights on my car had suddenly started flashing.

I think my blood pressure must have soared to near stroke level because I became extremely light headed and I couldn't stand up. I knew there was no way my cars light would suddenly go on by themselves. The car doors were locked and I had just glanced out the window at the last commercial to check for an impending Zombie attack and it was completely quiet and dark outside.

Now let me say that I am not like the typical woman in a horror movie who hears strange noises or has a friend go into the basement and then doesn't answer when called, prompting her to go and investigate (usually unarmed).

No siree. I could hear the scary background music, getting louder, waiting to reach a peak as I ventured outside, into the cold dark night just as the staggering rotting corpse descended upon me to eat my brains.

I knew better.

But the problem was I didn't know what to do. I was quite certain someone or something had come down the driveway and somehow turned my blinkers on as a way to lure me outside to do me bodily harm. And my heart was pounding so hard in my head I could not not for the life of me get it together enough to formulate a plan.

At this point I had regained bodily control and had run from the den and was hiding in the hall bathroom when I realized that if I didn't do something, whatever or whoever was out there would eventually try to break in and if it couldn't find me it would go after my kids.

I guess the mother bear instinct in me was stronger than scardey cat instinct because suddenly it all became quite clear. I crawled on my hands and knees through the hall into living room so as not to be seen through a window, fumbled for the phone and dialed 911.

It was such a wonderful plan until the operator answered and asked me for my emergency and I heard myself blurt out "There's something in my driveway that turned on my emergency lights in my car and has me trapped in house and I am afraid for my children's safety."

"Excuse me m'am? There's something in your driveway? Can you be more specific?"

Yes probably if I could think straight.

"Can you please send the police? I dont know what's out there and I need help right away."

"It would help m'am if you could elaborate so I know what to tell the officers to expect."

I seem to remember shouting into the phone:

"I DON'T KNOW WHATS OUT THERE BUT I KNOW IT'S NOT GOOD AND IF YOU DON"T HURRY WHATEVER IT IS IS GOING TO GET ME AND MY CHILDREN."

I imagine at this point she finally called the police and informed them there was a drunk or otherwise intoxicated woman ranting about monsters in her driveway. Perhaps they should send some psychiatric back-up as well.

An absolute eternity (about 15 minutes) later the police came slowly rolling down the driveway, got out and knocked on my door.

I quickly told them the story of how my car lights somehow got turned on and I knew someone was playing a trick on me and was sure I was in trouble and I was really scared and I had been watching the X-files so maybe I was overreacting but I didn't think so and I was glad they were there and would they please go look.

At this point they were probably thinking they might be needing that psychiatric back up after all.

To humor me, they headed over to investigate, clearly not understanding the danger that surely still lurked somewhere in the dark. I crept after them, making sure to look over my shoulder constantly to make sure whatever it was wasn't planning a rear offensive.

When the officers reached the car, flashlights drawn, they looked on each side of the garage, under the car and finally into the windows.

This was when they started to laugh. I mean REALLY laugh. Out loud to the point that they could not breathe.

I knew at that moment I was going to feel like a complete idiot and I didn't even know why.

When one of them caught his breath he motioned me over and pointed his light into the drivers side window. There sitting on the seat was my small dog who had apparently gone out the back door to use the potty then decided to take a snooze in the car through the open window and had caught her collar on the emergency flasher knob and turned it on. She was sitting there unable to move and probably pretty glad someone had finally come to her rescue.

Yep. I felt like an idiot.

Fortunately for me the officers were quite good natured about the whole thing and said it totally made their night and couldn't wait to get back to the station and tell everybody the whole story.

"You don't get calls like this every day" one of them told me.

Glad I could be of service gentlemen.

***SIGH***

Arachnophobia or Beware of the Blob

It is a well known fact I that I do not like spiders.

They give me the creeps and I have a hard time not squishing them on sight.

The universe seems to know this so of course I consistently find spiders everywhere as if being told to "get over it already".

Sorry, not going to happen.

But the universe keeps trying just the same.

Two nights ago I was in bed, about to turn off the light when I glance up at the ceiling and there hanging out in the corner is a rather large black blob with a whole lot of legs.

I called Jeff to rescue me but his only advice was not to worry because he doubted that the spider would suddenly fall off the ceiling.

I beg to differ, I often fall off the floor while I am right side up so it doesn't seem to too far fetched to fall off the ceiling when you are hanging upside down.

Unfortunately the blob was all the way at the top of the vaulted ceiling and there was no getting him down, dead OR alive, so I would just have to live with his presence and go to sleep.

As soon as the light went out, my mind went to work. I could just see the little bugger trekking along the edge of the ceiling until he was over my bed at which time he would let go and float down with his too many legs to land right on my pillow and then proceed to crawl all over my face.

It was official, I was never going to get any sleep.

Eventually I found something else to think about and come morning I woke and realized I didn't have tiny little spider footprints on my forehead nor a bad taste in my mouth after he crawled in there and got stuck.

Alls well that ends well.

Until last night when I was in bed just about to turn out the light and I looked up and saw him again this time hanging out over the doorway to the closet. Lower and more accessible this time. Where's the vacuum? That should do it.

Jeff was called in but he dismissed the vacuum idea because the kids were sleeping and he was certain that the spider meant no harm and would eventually find his way outside and that would be that.

Another bought of restless tossing and turning as I imagined being covered in spider cooties.

Come this morning and last nights fears were forgotten so I went about my business until I decided to hop in the shower.

I put the heater on in the bathroom, set out my towel, stepped into the warmth and began soaking up the hot water.

AHHHHHHHhhhhhhhh...... this is the life. Just what I needed. Let my troubles wash off and go right down the drain. Lather up my hair with good smelling shampoo. Oh yeah! Feels good!

Right up until I looked down and see Mr. Blob pulling his water soaked carcass across the shower floor a mere 2 inches from my toes. And he was bigger and scarier up close.

Not sure if I mentioned this before but we have perhaps the smallest shower in existence. If you bend over your butt will knock the door open and there will be an enormous flood in the bathroom.

This did not stop me from dancing around like an idiot, hopping from one foot to the other trying to avoid the blob as he was being tossed and tumbled about by the shower spray. Somehow I couldn't get myself to turn off the faucet because I kept thinking, "If I turn off the water he will be able to run and head straight for me. And I cant get out because my hair is full of shampoo, I'm soaking wet and I will drip all over the floor".

Funny the things that your brain focuses on in a crisis. I'm lucky the house wasn't on fire because the firemen would have had to pull me kicking and screaming out of the burning building because I didn't want to get the floor all soapy.

I thought about yelling for Jeff but realized not only wouldn't he hear me, but he would probably die laughing in the process.

More hopping and yelling and splashing about on my part.

Until I looked down just in time to see the last of the blob swirling down the drain.

I stopped and immediately felt bad. But that was immediately followed by a fear of what happens if he is able to climb back up after the shower turns off and take revenge on me for trying to drown him? Will he lay in wait until the next time I step in and then jump out and sink his fangs into my foot? Would I feel OK about drowning him then?

Clearly having more spider encounters does not lessen my fear or make me more accepting of their presence. All it does is prove to myself how irrational my mind can be when under stress.

I finally managed to get the shampoo out of my hair and compose myself enough to step calmly out of the shower and dry off like a sane and rational person.

I did however Google whether or not spiders could survive if washed down the drain and was relieved to discover that it was highly unlikely.

So now I can take future showers without worry of arachnids laying wait to seek revenge upon my toes.

Here Comes the Sun

If I turned the volume up on the radio any louder my ears would bleed.
And I would still be able to hear the moaning drifting out of the back seat.

"My eyes... my eyes....

ACK!!! OW OW OW !!!!

I'm going blind... I can't see anything!

HELP ME!!!!"

"Jeffrey for Pete's sake, will you hold it down. I can't help that the sun is shining.
As soon as the we turn it will be out of your face.
In the mean time close your eyes."

"I can still see it with my eyes closed."

He's got super powers.
I didn't know that.

"I don't have any sun on my side of the car."

Thank you Katherine, but that doesn't help.

"Yeah, how come she gets to sit over there... there isn't any sun over there.
As a matter of fact there's never any sun on her side....That's not fair!"

"Thats because we like her better than you and thats one of the perks."

"MOM!"

"Jeffrey, I cannot control the sun.
Tomorrow you can trade sides with Katherine and she will ride over there."

Katherine, ever the team player, noted that she liked where she was sitting and didn't want to trade.

I informed her that she did.

Alex looked pained as he glanced at his watch.

"Is there a problem?"

"Umm, no, just wondering how much longer til we get there."

"You're not enjoying your ride this morning?"

"Well sure, I mean who wouldn't right?"

Exactly. Blaring music, whining children. What more could one ask for at 7:30 AM.

For starters, to be asleep in bed snuggled under my quilt. Quiet. Relaxed. Serene.

"MOM! Katherine made a face at me just because I said she looked funny with her hair pulled up in horsetail like that...."

"It's a PONY tail and I do NOT look funny. YOU look funny."

Tomorrow Jeff drives.