Keep Calm and Carry On

 

Me: driving completely and evenly in the middle of the lane, curving around a freeway on-ramp 

My car: beep beep beep... BEEP BEEP BEEP, PAY ATTENTION, You're swerving all over the road! You're going to kill us all! OH, THE HUMANITY!!!

 

Also my car:

 

Me: driving out between the fields in the agricultural area, when a road runner darts out in front of the car causing me to swerve towards the center line, then make a hard correction back into my lane to avoid on coming traffic

 

My car: AH, what a fine day! Gorgeous weather, Lovely breeze, not a thing wrong in the world! Carry on my lady!

I can say what I want....

 

Me: Puts new phone holder in car

New Phone Holder OOOOOOo, look at this, it's the Google assistant button,

Im gonna push it.

Phone: Hello Melora, what can I help you with?

Me: SHHHHhhhhhh..... go away (shuts off nosey app)

(repeat above 2 steps, 4 separate times)

Me: what in the actual F***.... What is wrong with you! Shut up!

Phone: You sound upset Melora, there is no need for that kind of language. If you ask me nicely I can assist you with many things. Please try asking again or let me know if you would like to send feedback on my performance.

Me:

Phone: Are you still there, Melora? What can I help you with?

Me: Takes down new phone holder and tosses phone onto the passenger seat.

I'm an adult damn it and I can say whatever I want!

(As long as the 5 year old isn't within earshot)

Succesful Trade Negotiations

 

The 5-year-old would not eat her bowl of Mac n Cheese last night because it was "dusty".

I know I'm not the best housekeeper but I didn't realize it had gotten that bad.

We eventually negotiated a trade for a plate of chicken nuggets and life continued forward without further incident.

The Comedian

 

Me, quietly minding my own business relaxing on the couch

The 5-year-old crawls over the back and holds out her hands each balled into a fist "Which one?"

Me: "Which one what?"

Kid: "Which one do you want?"

Me: (silently thinking neither since the last time we did this you gave me a booger, but I never learn my lesson so...) 

"OK, I'll take that one" and point to her right hand

Kid: opens her hand, nothing in there

Me: points to the other hand "OK then how about that one?"

Kid: opens her other hand and nothing in there either,

She falls off the couch laughing

Me: "you are ridiculous"

Kid: "No I'm not, I'm Larious!!!"

Yep, absolutely ridiculously Hil-larious.