Monday, August 7, 2017

And the answer is....

Two buses leave Kansas City going in opposite directions.

One is going 45 miles per hour and the other is going 55 miles per hour. How long until they are 400 miles apart?

This was on yesterday's Algebra 2 homework.

I NEVER believed they really had these kinds of questions in real life.

I was wrong.

The answer BTW was about 4 hours

Friday, July 7, 2017

Weather Report

Holy freakin' mother of crisco.....

It's 110° outside at 9 PM with winds that feel like they are blowing straight outta hell.

This now concludes your eyewitness weather report for the evening.

You're welcome.

Saturday, October 29, 2016

Dessert Disappointment

I was mentally unprepared for the fact I had to eat my dessert without the creamy goodness I had been planning because the bottle of whipped cream that had been sitting in the fridge, tempting me, calling my name, promising me untold delights, instead elicited nothing but a few little drops of watery nothingness because whoever used it last either wanted to hide the fact that they used it up or they were too lazy to walk it over to the trash can.

When I asked around the general consensus was no one knew WHAT I was talking about and hurriedly changed the subject.

Monday, October 24, 2016

When mornings attack

My morning:
Out of breakfast for 17 year old cat who is walking on Jeff's head at 6 AM.
Out of coffee which I need to be awake enough to drive kids to school. 
Wait, I'm desperate, I'll reheat yesterday's leftover coffee.
UGH no creamer. Just shoot me now.
Out of Baggies for the kids sandwiches. Wrap them in plastic wrap.
THEN out of paper sacks to put said baggie-less sandwiches in. Substitute plastic grocery bags. (I'm sure the kids won't mind.)
Shove kids out the door 20 minutes early so I can stop at the market and get coffee, creamer and cat food.
Agent J having issues that he didn't get to finish his morning beauty routine. 
Get to the market, discover I've left my phone at home.
Mini heart attack that this will be the day the van implodes and I will be stuck on the side of the road for hours unable to alert husband to my situation.
Get kids to school 15 minutes early despite hearing "MOOOOMMMMM... We're going to be LAAAAAATTTE" all the way there.
Get home safely after being sure every noise was the van's last gasp of life.
Walk in house look for phone.
Find it in my purse. (The one I had with me).
Can I get a reboot on my morning please?

Thursday, September 15, 2016

The No Play List

Apparently Billy Idol (or for that matter anything from 1980's) is on the restricted list of what I am not allowed to play while performing school drop off duties in the morning. 

Because, well you know, they have cool friends who don't understand that kind of stuff.

Thursday, September 8, 2016

Kids in Black

The kids go to a very small school. 
So it's not unusual to get personal phone calls from the staff about random stuff which leads to that awkward moment when you realize you really don't know everything that goes on with your kid when they are out of your sight.

Yesterday the phone rings.

Me: Hello
VP: Hello Mrs Zucker?
Me: Yes
VP: This is Mrs R, the vice principal at AAEC, I had a question for you about Jay.
Me: (racking my brain trying to figure out who she is talking about)
VP: Just a quick question... it won't take a very long.... Mrs Zucker?
Me: Um, I'm sorry... Who is this about?
VP: About Jay. Your Son.
Me: Uh... Do you mean Jeffrey? (Don't want to get into a whole conversation and find out she is talking to the wrong parent).
VP: (laughing) Oh yes, he goes by Jay at school. Did you not know that?

Well obviously not. 
And now I suddenly feel like one of those out of touch parents who is completely oblivious to their children's lives.

And I am wondering if perhaps Jeffrey has secretly joined Men in Black and now requires everyone to call him Agent J. 
Has Katherine joined too and now I will have to call her Agent K?

I decide against offering this possibility to the VP so I don't blow anyone's cover and lamely answer:
Me: Oh yes, now that you mention it, I do seem to remember him telling me about that. 

A small lie was better than an admission of ignorance any day.

Friday, August 26, 2016

The Neighborhood Catfather

We have an asshole neighborhood cat whose asshole owner allows to roam freely so he can come to our door and spray it with his "I own this" pheromone stink.

He has been doing this since we moved in.

It took me awhile to figure out why my indoor cats would sit for hours staring at the front door as if waiting for the appearance of The Virgin Kitty.

I have recently been trying to figure out ways to stop this feline delinquent from causing my stoop to smell like an uncleaned litter box. Soaking the screen door with different fragrances and enzymes to discourage him seems to have started a mob war.

Yesterday morning as we were leaving for school, there on the front walk was a decapitated pigeon. The cat equivalent of a horse head. A warning of what might happen to me and my loved ones if I didn't stop trying to infringe on his weekly ritual of ownership.

I have yet to clean it up because frankly, I don't want to go near it. No one else in the house wants to go near it either.

Maybe if I ignore it, some other cat will come and take it away and we can pretend it never happened. 

In the meantime I have to decide between wanting a clean fresh smelling entrance, or worrying about my families safety.

I thought decisions like these were only found in literature and movies.