Thursday, August 31, 2017

Jeffs lousy, awful, terrible day


5:30 AM, wake, dress and get in car for first scheduled ride of the day. 
Person cancels ride before car leaves driveway.
Spend next hour and half dreaming of sleep but not actually getting any.
7AM ride and car is acting up. Drop off person and head to next ride.
Car continues to ACT UP.
Drop of next person and car is now in a full blown tantrum and must be taken to dealership.
Arrive at dealership 9 AM, told to have a seat until they get a look at it. 
Realize no breakfast was eaten.
Consume 2 free donuts. Realize IPAD was left at home so busy self with reading Twitter on phone.
Wait 2 hours.
Told some such part has failed and leasing company must be contacted to approve repair. Asked to please have a seat in the waiting room and help yourself to a donut.
Consume 2 more donuts and 2 cups of the worst coffee in history.
Wait more 2 hours. No word from leasing company. Email resent by manager.
Phone battery drops to 15%. Realize there is no way to charge phone as the only cable available is a car charger. 
Put phone away watch Tennis Tournament on small waiting room TV.
Wait 2 more hours.
Finally get authorization to fix car and are assured it shouldn't take more than 2 hours.
Realize all scheduled rides for the afternoon are lost and no money is to be made.
Still haven't eaten anything but sugared carbs and liquid caffeine, feel light headed and walk outside to shake off the impending mental crash.
Immediately come back inside after being hit with 113° heat. 
Wait 2 hours, watch more tennis. 
8 hours on the nose, car is ready to be driven home again.
Discover that even though car is no longer having a tantrum, the part that was replaced is not doing what it should.
Don't care. Go home anyway. Eat food. 
Wonder what the hell planetary alignments were in play and vow to stay in bed until things change.

Saturday, August 12, 2017

Thar she blows

How to give Katherine a nuclear meltdown:

Me: Is this your toothbrush on the left side of the sink in your bathroom?
Kat: Nope. Must be Jeffrey's. Mine is the purple one on the right.
Me: Jeffrey, is this YOUR toothbrush on the left side of the sink in your bathroom?
Jeffrey: Nope mine is the purple one on right
.
Kat (rushing out of her room): WAIT.... WHAT????? NOOOOOOOO!!! That's MINE!!! OMG OMG Have YOU been using MY toothbrush all this time??? OMG OMG That is SO gross.... YUCK YUCK YUCK.... MOM I NEED A NEW TOOTHBRUSH.... EW EW EW EW..... I'm just going to die. That's it. Life is over. 
She ran into her room, choking and gagging and slammed the door.

At least I now know why the toothbrush on the left never looked used.

Friday, July 7, 2017

Weather Report

Holy freakin' mother of crisco.....

It's 110° outside at 9 PM with winds that feel like they are blowing straight outta hell.

This now concludes your eyewitness weather report for the evening.

You're welcome.

Tuesday, October 25, 2016

Dessert Disappointment


I was mentally unprepared for the fact I had to eat my dessert without the creamy goodness I had been planning because the bottle of whipped cream that had been sitting in the fridge, tempting me, calling my name, promising me untold delights, instead elicited nothing but a few little drops of watery nothingness because whoever used it last either wanted to hide the fact that they used it up or they were too lazy to walk it over to the trash can.

When I asked around the general consensus was no one knew WHAT I was talking about and hurriedly changed the subject.

Monday, October 24, 2016

When mornings attack

My morning:
Out of breakfast for 17 year old cat who is walking on Jeff's head at 6 AM.
Out of coffee which I need to be awake enough to drive kids to school. 
Wait, I'm desperate, I'll reheat yesterday's leftover coffee.
UGH no creamer. Just shoot me now.
Out of Baggies for the kids sandwiches. Wrap them in plastic wrap.
THEN out of paper sacks to put said baggie-less sandwiches in. Substitute plastic grocery bags. (I'm sure the kids won't mind.)
Shove kids out the door 20 minutes early so I can stop at the market and get coffee, creamer and cat food.
Agent J having issues that he didn't get to finish his morning beauty routine. 
Get to the market, discover I've left my phone at home.
Mini heart attack that this will be the day the van implodes and I will be stuck on the side of the road for hours unable to alert husband to my situation.
Get kids to school 15 minutes early despite hearing "MOOOOMMMMM... We're going to be LAAAAAATTTE" all the way there.
Get home safely after being sure every noise was the van's last gasp of life.
Walk in house look for phone.
Find it in my purse. (The one I had with me).
Can I get a reboot on my morning please?

Saturday, October 17, 2015

No Food for the Hungry

Food warm. Drink poured. Settling down to have lunch at my desk. One bite. Two bites....
"MOM..I'm hungry!!!"
"Jeffrey I just sat down, my food is hot, please wait 10 minutes and I will fix you lunch."
"But MOOOOOOOM, I'm starving now." 
I can see you wasting away as we speak.
"Jeffrey I will fix you food in 10 minutes and if you can't wait that long then make yourself something."
Long silence followed by grumbling off into the distance.
OK, back to food.
One bite. Two bites....
"Hey Honey, are you at your desk?"
"Yes......"
"Check weather underground to see if the rain is coming, I have to go out and work".
"OK"... click, click, wait for page to load.... "Yes, storm headed this way, almost on top of us"
Suddenly surrounded by husband and children leaning over my desk, to look at the radar and discuss the impending weather.
"Guys, I'm trying to eat here."
"That's OK, you're not bothering us...." 
Discussion continues.
Finally I am alone.
Food is still moderately warm.
One bite... two bites....
"Hey Honey, where are the wire ties?"
"In the garage, if you can wait 10 minutes I will get one for you".
"No, just tell me where you put them."
(In a very hard to find place that would take me longer to explain than to get up myself and get them).
Start to get up but hear "NO NO, it's ok... I'll find them....".
Sit back down, one bite, second bite pending...
Voice directly behind me from the couch:
"Hi... how are YOU?"
I turn around to see Jeffrey leaning over the back of the couch practically upside down.
"Jeffrey, I'm eating."
"That's not how you are... How ARE you?"
"I'm hungry and TRYING to finish my food before it gets cold."
"But besides hungry, how ARE you?"
"JEFFREY, I am HUNGRY, I am trying to EAT, my food is now COLD and all I want is 5 minutes in peace to finish it. Can I have 5 minutes PLEASE?"
"GEEZ mom you don't have to get so upset... I'm just trying to be friendly. I'll just go sit over here, alone... and hungry."
I need a vacation.

Sunday, September 14, 2014

Adventures with Iggy

Sometime in late spring of last year we got a free baby iguana...
We named him Iggy in honor of Jeffs childhood pet.
This is one of his early baby pictures:



Since then he has grown and been a fun addition to our pet family.
Being an iguana, he enjoys being up high so he can look down at all of us lowly humans.
One of his favorite places is up above the patio door which he gets to by using a long 2 x 4 covered in carpet. We leave him here for part of each day.


This evening I was in the kitchen when I glanced into the living and saw this....


Knowing something was up (or NOT up anymore), I checked it out and found this in my silk plant:





 After I apprehended the wanderer, Kitten checks out the plant to make sure nothing else interesting is hiding in there.


And 20 minutes later what do I find?
Kitten and Iggy sitting in a (cat) tree...
K*I*S*S*I*N*G




Iggy deals with it by putting on his best "If I close my eyes maybe it will go away" face.


This time we collected him and put him where he isn't as likely to get into any trouble.