Tuesday, December 1, 2009


It's the end of the November festivities and we take a bit of a breather and a huge sigh of relief as we drop grandma off at the airport this morning. We left her shouting at some old man who had committed some act of impertinence against her person while waiting at curb side check in. We pretended not to notice and burned rubber down the exit lane.

How is it that old people get so dang cantankerous and unhygienic? I swear if I ever start to act like that I give my children permission to zap me with a stun gun until my brain rewires itself. I never want my children to find the need to hide while I visit, roll their eyes behind my back when I talk, force me to take a shower because I don't think I need one or make up excuses not to come and visit me during their children's summer vacations.

As I strip the sheets from the futon and throw them into the wash on the sanitary setting, I also promise never to lie to my children about actually taking that shower, giving them a wet towel but leaving behind a bone dry bathtub because I didn't think anyone would check. I will not suck my teeth endlessly after every meal, stick my fingers in the pumpkin pie, knock the children off their chairs with my ample bosom while trying to get to the appetizers before they do and I definitely will not profess that I work out 5 days a week at the gym when I cannot walk up a short flight of stairs.

I promise never to criticize their home when I get pissed off at something they do and tell them they should check the cleanliness of their toilets more often. Nor will I ask them if they plan on getting back to their own gym soon, as I can tell they have put on a few pounds since my last visit.

I will also not get into an "I told you so fight" with the 8 year old, loudly suck food off my fingers in a restaurant or curse at the waitress under my breath when she does not bring my coffee as quickly as I want it. I will also not sit on their couch and sleep with the TV on and then insist I was not sleeping so NO they cannot change the channel and watch their show and I certainly will not move into my room where there is a perfectly good TV waiting for me because the TV in the den is bigger than that one in there. And I will not ever, no matter what or how much I want to, invite myself on every vacation they plan, saying I can share a bed with one of the little kids and it will be ever so much fun spending even more time together as a family.

OH geez!!! I lied in my last post. I did turn into the bitchy daughter-in-law! I tried and tried and tried to avoid it and I succumbed anyway.

And how does fate punish me for this?

In the most ironic way possible.

I get a phone call this afternoon letting us know that she has landed safely in Vegas and "guess who I sat next to on the plane? Orlando Bloom and we had a lovely conversation all the way there."

My eye is twitching again.

I am now searching for an e-mail for Mr Bloom so I can write a heartfelt apology note.

I will end this with one of Sarah's art pieces she did of Orlando a few years back in his Lord of the Rings days.....

1 comment:

islandgirl4ever2 said...

Oh the irony of it! That's a great story!!!