My Facebook page is littered with videos and tips and suggestions for the coming Rapture tomorrow. If I read them all I should be quite prepared.
Wait, do I capitalize Rapture? I'm not sure. I know I'm supposed capitalize God. ACK.. wait a second.. I think I'm supposed to write G-D instead of spelling it out completely. Right?
See what happens when you don't grow up going to church? So many unanswered questions. And really important ones too. For instance, should one dress up for the coming event tomorrow? Like an evening gown or cocktail dress or can I be slightly more causal in a pants suit and heels? I wouldn't want to offend anybody and show up Friday casual. Oh wait, it's Saturday so maybe that doesn't count. And do my clothes even go with me? I've heard that there will be empty cars and discarded clothing littering the streets so maybe I shouldn't be giving it any thought. Come as you are and just bring your smile.
Of course it's really a moot point because it is one party that I am definitely not invited too. Which is fine because I doubt I would like the company anyway. And they certainly would not like me so I guess we're even.
If on the other hand you plan attending I do ask that you avoid driving or otherwise operating any sort of machinery that depends heavily on human guidance. Those of us left behind (aka the Damned) will already have to deal with the fact that we now face earthquakes, plagues, fire, gay pride, pestilence, war, famine etc. without having the inconvenience of dodging unoccupied cars, falling aircraft, out of control forklifts and the like when you are sucked into heaven. And if you are unsure as to whether you will be attending said Rapture, it might be best to err on the side of caution and stay home, prepare a nice meal, watch some TV and relax because before you know it you're going to be greeting your long lost loved ones, fitted for wings and be busy settling into the afterlife. You have no idea when the next time you'll be able to catch an episode of Fox News or the O'Reilly Factor.
For those of left behind, let's go find all of our gay friends, catch some great tunes on the radio and relax without being told we are all gong to Hell.
Because we will already be there.
And in good company too I might add.