Dessert Disappointment

I was mentally unprepared for the fact I had to eat my dessert without the creamy goodness I had been planning because the bottle of whipped cream that had been sitting in the fridge, tempting me, calling my name, promising me untold delights, instead elicited nothing but a few little drops of watery nothingness because whoever used it last either wanted to hide the fact that they used it up or they were too lazy to walk it over to the trash can.

When I asked around the general consensus was no one knew WHAT I was talking about and hurriedly changed the subject.

When mornings attack

My morning:
Out of breakfast for 17 year old cat who is walking on Jeff's head at 6 AM.
Out of coffee which I need to be awake enough to drive kids to school. 
Wait, I'm desperate, I'll reheat yesterday's leftover coffee.
UGH no creamer. Just shoot me now.
Out of Baggies for the kids sandwiches. Wrap them in plastic wrap.
THEN out of paper sacks to put said baggie-less sandwiches in. Substitute plastic grocery bags. (I'm sure the kids won't mind.)
Shove kids out the door 20 minutes early so I can stop at the market and get coffee, creamer and cat food.
Agent J having issues that he didn't get to finish his morning beauty routine. 
Get to the market, discover I've left my phone at home.
Mini heart attack that this will be the day the van implodes and I will be stuck on the side of the road for hours unable to alert husband to my situation.
Get kids to school 15 minutes early despite hearing "MOOOOMMMMM... We're going to be LAAAAAATTTE" all the way there.
Get home safely after being sure every noise wasn't the van's last gasp of life.
Walk in house look for phone.
Find it in my purse. (The one I had with me).
Can I get a reboot on my morning please?

I see you

Have your kids out grown the need to watch you while you're in the bathroom?

Get a cat, relive the pleasure.

 

 

 

Alone? There is no alone.

 

"Why is this bathroom door closed? I just want to be with you. And have you turn on the sink water so I can drink it and get my head wet and shake it all over you while you are sitting there.

What's wrong with that?"

The No Play List

Apparently Billy Idol (or for that matter anything from 1980's) is on the restricted list of what I am not allowed to play while performing school drop off duties in the morning. 

Because, well you know, they have cool friends who don't understand that kind of stuff.

Kids in Black

The kids go to a very small school. 
So it's not unusual to get personal phone calls from the staff about random stuff which leads to that awkward moment when you realize you really don't know everything that goes on with your kid when they are out of your sight.

Yesterday the phone rings.

Me: Hello
VP: Hello Mrs Zucker?
Me: Yes
VP: This is Mrs R, the vice principal at AAEC, I had a question for you about Jay.
Me: (racking my brain trying to figure out who she is talking about)
VP: Just a quick question... it won't take a very long.... Mrs Zucker?
Me: Um, I'm sorry... Who is this about?
VP: About Jay. Your Son.
Me: Uh... Do you mean Jeffrey? (Don't want to get into a whole conversation and find out she is talking to the wrong parent).
VP: (laughing) Oh yes, he goes by Jay at school. Did you not know that?

Well obviously not. 
And now I suddenly feel like one of those out of touch parents who is completely oblivious to their children's lives.

And I am wondering if perhaps Jeffrey has secretly joined Men in Black and now requires everyone to call him Agent J. 
Has Katherine joined too and now I will have to call her Agent K?

I decide against offering this possibility to the VP so I don't blow anyone's cover and casually answer:
Oh yes, now that you mention it, I do seem to remember him telling me about that. 

A small lie was better than an admission of ignorance any day.

As I walk through the valley where I harvest my grain

 

I found the secret to being able to listen to music while dropping the kids at school. It's not important WHAT I am listening to, it's what I APPEAR to be listening to. So Weird Al's "Amish Paradise" cranked to the level you can hear the bass outside the car is perfectly acceptable as long as no one gets too close to hear the words. Because the white lady driving a Honda van listening to Gansta Rap seems perfectly legit.

The Neighborhood Catfather

We have an asshole neighborhood cat whose asshole owner allows to roam freely so he can come to our door and spray it with his "I own this" pheromone stink.

He has been doing this since we moved in.

It took me awhile to figure out why my indoor cats would sit for hours staring at the front door as if waiting for the appearance of The Virgin Kitty.

I have recently been trying to figure out ways to stop this feline delinquent from causing my stoop to smell like an uncleaned litter box. Soaking the screen door with different fragrances and enzymes to discourage him seems to have started a mob war.

Yesterday morning as we were leaving for school, there on the front walk was a decapitated pigeon. The cat equivalent of a horse head. A warning of what might happen to me and my loved ones if I didn't stop trying to infringe on his weekly ritual of ownership.

I have yet to clean it up because frankly, I don't want to go near it. No one else in the house wants to go near it either.

Maybe if I ignore it, some other cat will come and take it away and we can pretend it never happened. 

In the meantime I have to decide between wanting a clean fresh smelling entrance, or worrying about my families safety.

I thought decisions like these were only found in literature and movies. 

No wonder I'm tired

4 AM
Brain: Hey... psssst.... Hey YOU..... you gotta pee.
Me: No I don't
Brain: No, you do. And you know you can't just lay here all comfortable when you gotta pee.
Me: Don't you keep up with current events, I JUST peed 15 minutes ago, remember? We tripped over the cat on the way to the bathroom?
Brain: Yeah, but you still gotta go. Can't you tell?
Me: I can feel my own bladder. I know I don't have to pee anymore, now shut up, leave me alone and go to sleep.
Brain: Bubbling brooks. Waterfalls. Rushing rivers. Showers with the warm water streaming down your face, over your body, hitting the tub floor and flowing down the drain. Rain, falling from the...
Me: ALRIGHT ALRIGHT, if it'll shut you up.
2 minutes later
Me: SEE? I told you I didn't have to pee!
Brain: Well at least now you know and you don't have to lay there and wonder. You should thank me.

Cool? Nope, Not me

Just when you think you may be one of those "cool" moms,
you know the ones that the kids aren't embarrassed by, I hear this:
"Hey mom, um, when you stop the car and we get out and the doors are open..... can you, um, turn down the music until the doors are closed?"
My answer was to turn up the music until the car was rocking on it's wheels.
"MOOOOOOMMMMMMMMMMMMM!" Both of them looking desperately around to see which of their friends might be witnessing this.
I turned it back down to normal and suddenly it didn't seem quite as bad when they opened the doors and dashed for their class.
Do not mess with me children, I am old for a reason.

You can tell by the way I walk.....

So Jeff and Katherine are having a "Who can take more steps during the day" contest. (They both have step counters on their phones). 

The two most competitive people I know and I get to live with them. 

So all day for the past few days I've got 2 pacing, going for walks, and schlepping up and down the stairs bodies in the house. 

Today it has escalated to the point that I heard Katherine yelling from the other room "DAD would you just go sit down!!!!"

To which his answer was to walk outside saying "Just as soon as I take a quick stroll around the block".

I have never seen Katherine move so fast to find her shoes so he wouldn't get too far ahead of her step count which for the both of them at this point is somewhere over 7000. 

No telling what it will be when they finally decide to give it up and come back inside.