Ramblings Ahead

I've got 8 kids (20-35) and 3 grandkids.

 

There really aren't many conditions or issues that I haven't experienced with this lot.

 

This is a list (I made more for myself than anyone else) of things I can say about one or more of them.

 

I have at least one kid who:

 

1. was birthed at home because I didn't make it to the hospital

2. was delivered by c-section

3. is my step-kid

4. was adopted

5. are parents themselves

6. went all the way through college and got a post-graduate degree

7. never went to college

8. are talented in art/music to the extreme

9. have had mental health issues and take meds to make it through their day

10. is gay

11. is trans

12. is on the spectrum

13. has gotten mad and not spoken to me for more than a year

14. has been there and helped me through some of the toughest times in my life

 

For the first time in all this parenting thing, everyone is basically good with everyone else. (Little spats here and there... welcome to life).

 

And I can say when you've got a large family where each and every person is difficult and wonderful and different in their own unique way that feels pretty good.

A death in the family tends to bring people together and make you realize exactly what is important and what is nothing but egocentric trash that you can dump in the bin because it doesn't mean anything.

This has been quite a year. I'm finding myself in ways I never knew were possible. Learning to trust myself and not need another person to tell me what's Ok and what isn't.

And finding all these people who through their differences are helping me be a better person and a better parent to them.

 

Nothing to See Here

Me: walking down hall towards the bedroom.

3 year old hears me coming, jumps off bed and bolts down hall

yelling “NOTHING” as she shoves by me.

That’s not suspicious at all.

Check my iPad that I have carelessly left open on the bed

I find this on the screen.

I start scrolling.

5 more screens just like this one.

Apparently she has learned to take pictures of herself.

My favorite is the bottom left that looks like it’s from that episode of the Twilight Zone.

 

 

 

Baby Shark Begone

How do you know have a 3-year-old in the house?

Because as you are walking down the hall to put the laundry in the dryer, you realize with horror that you just belted out 2 verses of Baby Shark while doing a fancy little 2 step action with the stuffed Minnie Mouse you collected at the top of the stairs.

On a side note, I really hate that song.

 

Losing Jeff

This is my timeline on Facebook chronicling  Jeff's last days.

January 20 ~ Wednesday

We've been re-watching Star Trek DS9 in order every day.

Today's episode?

"Melora"!

Just by coincidence on my birthday!

I was shocked when I saw it first run because my name is so unusual.

Jeff got me a book for my birthday (The Invisible Life of Addie LaRue) but it hasn't arrived yet.

It was a good day relaxing and watching our favorite show.

 

January 21 ~ Thursday

Had to take Jeff to the emergency room this morning.

Need good thoughts.

They don't know what's wrong yet.

He's going in for a cat scan.

 

Update.

Jeff had a major stroke and possibly a heart attack.

He cannot talk at all and is very disorientated.

After sitting with him for 6 hours in our local free-standing emergency room (they allowed me to be with him because he was completely non verbal), 

they transferred him to the larger hospital about 15 miles away and I couldn't go with him due to the virus situation.

The doctor says he is in critical condition and they will be admitting him to the ICU when a bed opens up. 

In the meantime, they will start the necessary tests to see the extent of the damage.

I am in a state of shock as can be imagined and don't even know what to think.

Jeffrey (our 20-year-old son) is taking 2 days off work to be home with me which is going to be necessary for both of us.

Thank you to all who have offered support.

This is a scary time to be alone.

 

January 22 ~ Friday

 

Update #2

Finally talked to the doctor. The hospital is so full that he is still in the emergency room (more than 24 hours)

because there is nothing open in the ICU.

Test results confirm that he had a heart attack probably last week when he started feeling poorly. 

He had a stroke yesterday morning but probably has had a series of small strokes over the past month that he did not notice.

He is severely diabetic and the doctor did not know how he didn't have any overt symptoms.  

But in retrospect, I can now remember some things that he complained about but never would go to the doctor about.

He has fluid in or around his lungs. I can't remember which one.

His heart is only beating at 15% capacity.

He is still nonverbal and disorientated.

The next 24-48 hours are critical to see if things get worse.

They asked me if he had any advanced directives and what I wanted if things do not go well. (Resuscitate etc). 

I wasn't prepared to have to answer that.

I want to thank every single one of you who have reached out and are sending good thoughts. It's helped a lot.

 

January 23 ~ Saturday

 

I don't have a lot to update today.

Jeff is about the same. Still stuck in the ER because the ICU is packed with Covid patients.

None of the doctors who talk to me have a prognosis except that we will have to wait and see.

I have been connecting with many old friends and relatives who are reaching out to me and that is one very positive thing going on right now. 

I spoke with one of my dearest friends who I haven't talked to in an age (though we kept up with each other via Facebook a bit). 

I've talked to family members that I haven't talked to in years. I am eternally grateful for all the support.

I'm trying to keep busy. I even exercised.

Jeffrey went back to work today (he has a short late shift 6-10) so this is the first time I'm alone after dark.

I hate being alone in a house at night. I think I've turned on every light.

On a side note, the book he got me for my birthday arrived today 

and all I could do was to put it on the shelf out of sight because I started crying as soon as it got here.

 

 January 24 ~ Sunday

 

The hospital called at 5:30 this morning which was worrying because of the early hour.

Apparently Jeff was trying to use the phone in his room to call me even though he can't talk and didn't know how to push the buttons.

So the nurse called me and had me set up a Zoom call and I was able to face to face with him.

The nurse held the phone and I talked to him and told him I loved him and everything was going to be OK 

and that I was so sorry I couldn't be there with him.

He looked so sad and started crying and it just broke my heart.

He can't communicate almost at all. He can nod a bit but he still looks somewhat disoriented so I'm not sure exactly what he understands.

I took his phone and some clothes to him about an hour ago since they sent everything home with me on Thursday.

I could only go as far as the guard's desk and the guard walked the bag back himself to make sure it got to him. 

The nurse said she will help him call me whenever he is up to it.

I put zoom on his phone so we can see each other.

It's devastating not to be able to be there with him and my heart is just breaking.

Again I am so grateful for all the support I've been getting. I don't know what I would do without it. Thank you all.

 

                                               ******

 

Pudge (who is 16 years old) misses her human.

In the first picture, taken this past Tuesday, she didn't like it that Kitten was sitting in HER spot (Jeff's lap) so she just sat on top of her.

Now she just sits on one of the cat beds and stares at the wall.

I keep bringing her to sit with me but after a few minutes, she goes back to the bed.

 

 

 January 25 ~ Monday

 

The hospital called yesterday and for some reason, my phone would not answer no matter how hard I smashed the buttons.

So I had to call them back and they said it was his doctor who called and they would tell her to call me back.

It took an hour for her to finally get back to me.

Jeff had a bad day yesterday. His heart is not beating correctly. First the top beats too fast then corrects itself, then the bottom beats too fast and corrects itself. They have him on a number of IV drips trying to keep everything at a steady pace.

Sometime mid afternoon nothing was working and his heart went so out of rhythm that it stopped. They were able to do CPR on him and get it going again but they think it caused another stroke because his right side was much weaker when they were able to test it.

Also he seemed much more mentally disconnected than before.

Also, his blood glucose levels are through the roof (over 200 most of the time but over 300 every time the medicine wears off).

I have had an amazing amount of support from friends and family. Unfortunately all but my oldest son (lives close) and youngest son (lives at home but works a full time job) are out of state so I am in the house alone a lot. I've never talked on the phone so much in my life.

I hope I'm not driving everyone crazy with my updates, it just helps me to write it out. I'm trying to go back to finishing my book but no luck so far. 

Maybe today.

 

                                                   ******

 

Jones has been sleeping in my computer chair for hours. 

Hence I could not sit down so I have been forced to continue binge-watching NCIS from the couch.

I started at the beginning and am almost through season 1 in less than 3 days.

I just leave it running in the background so the house isn't so quiet.

 

 January 26 ~ Tuesday

 

Not a lot to update this morning.

I have face to faced with him on the phone twice.

I talked, he can't.

I ended up using the video call feature on a regular phone call because when I set up the zoom on his phone I neglected to give his phone permission to use the camera so when the nurse tried to connect us his phone wouldn't show video.

It's a roller coaster. One minute I'm fine and feeling like "I've got this" and then without warning, I'm sobbing. 

I know it will equalize itself out as time goes by.

Trying to keep things as positive as possible. I forced myself to exercise this morning and am trying to immerse myself in projects.

I've been blessed with lots of people calling me and keeping my mind busy that way as well.

Thanks for being there for me!

 

January 27 ~ Wednesday

 

Facebook ate my last post, so let's try this again.

The upside is that Jeff finally got moved to a real hospital room.

The downside is that the nurses are not the same as the ones in the ER.

I called yesterday afternoon and was told to call back because it was in the middle of shift change.

So I waited an hour, called back, and got the 5th-floor nurses station. 

The head nurse with a very heavy Jamaican accent answered and told me that his nurse was Erin and transferred me. 

The phone rang 10 times then I got hung-up on.

I called back and was told Erin was in with another patient and call back in 10 minutes.

I gave them 15, called back, and got the same Jamaican nurse and I asked directly for Erin.

"OH I'm sorry," she said "Erin went home a while ago. Let me see who is his nurse now."

Lots of computer tapping then she came back on the phone and said "Erin is his nurse I'll transfer you."

Alrighty then. One of us was not understanding what the other one of us was saying.

So finally talked to Erin who was very sweet and kind, but also had a thick accent and very soft voice 

so I didn't understand everything she was saying beyond that he refused to eat dinner last night.

She went to his room and tried to let me talk to him but she couldn't get his phone to work correctly so there was no video. 

She told me he could hear me but yesterday when I video called with him he only paid attention to me for about a minute 

then looked away and the nurse and I decided he was done.

I called this morning and got his day nurse who was not overly friendly and just read me his chart very matter of factly.

She said they gave him a chest X-ray because they were concerned he might have pneumonia. And then said if they can get his heart stabilized over the next few days and no other issues come up they will transfer him to a critical care rehab. 

I asked if she could plug in his phone because I was concerned the battery would be low by now and she said yes but I didn't have confidence that she would do it.

The nurses in the ER were so kind and caring and this lady was very emotionless. 

I totally understand that they are probably well beyond their limits with all the things they have to deal with but it was a little disheartening that she sounded like she just wanted to read the chart and get off the phone.

It's been two days and no call from any of his doctors. 

Miss Cold and Clinical said she would page his doctor and tell her to call me so maybe that will happen.

And that's my long-winded update for this morning.

Thanks for hanging in there with me.

 

January 28 ~ Thursday

 

Thursday update.

He is being treated for pneumonia but it was apparently mild.

I finally talked to the doctor this morning and that was only because when I called to check on him she was at his bedside.

They are waiting for something called a "life vest" that they will put on him in case his heart goes into an irregular rhythm 

and it will give him a shock. They are trying to get him to a critical care facility so they can start him on individualized care.

I'm going to have to do something about his phone because it's not charging (it's very temperamental) 

so I may have to go to T-mobile and get a cheap one that will do video and stay charged.

The worst part of all this is the unknown.

Thank you all for all the kind words of encouragement and kindness. It really helps not to feel so alone.

 

                                                    ******

Oh, one quick thing I forgot to add.

He had new nurses yesterday afternoon and this morning and both of them were SO nice and kind. 

I was very relieved to be able to talk to someone who was caring.

 

 January 29 ~ Friday  

 

Came to sit down at my computer to do an update this morning and found this. 

I don't have the heart to move her so I guess I'll do an update later since it's harder to do on my phone.

 

Pudge never moved so I eventually just rolled the chair off to the side and shoved a dining room chair over so I could sit down.

Turns out Jeff's temperamental phone was only acting that way because there was no battery in it.  

Apparently, the phone fell off his nightstand, and whoever picked it up and put it back together neglected to notice the battery was under the bed. 

So I had to drive all the way back to the hospital to pick it up.

I installed Facebook messenger on his phone because it is the only app that doesn't require an invitation or another step to video chat.

I drove the phone back this morning and after they got it up to him, the nurse helped him call me and we got to see each other. 

I had to do all of the talking but it was good. 

He can't respond at all, no facial expression but he can hold the phone in his left hand so the nurses don't have to be there with him.

But they have to help him make the initial call.

He kept turning the phone to the bed next to him that was empty and then when the nurse came in, she explained that the guy that had been in there next to him had died. She said he was very old and very sick and the family was expecting it but UGH how great is that that the guy in the bed next to you dies?

At some point, I'm expecting to get a call from his case manager so we can figure out where they are going to send him. 

I'm pretty sure I won't be able to visit him there either.

Welcome to the "Roller Coaster of Life", please get in, sit down, buckle up, and hold on tight while keeping arms and legs inside at all times. 

And be sure to duck if you see any low bridges coming your way.

 

 January 30 ~ Saturday

Hope everyone is having a good Saturday.

I wanted to thank everyone who continues to check up on me and send good thoughts.

It means the world to me and has made this whole ordeal easier to bear.

So quick update.

They fitted Jeff with a "lifevest" which is a personal defibrillator worn by someone at risk for sudden cardiac arrest. 

If the patient goes into a life-threatening arrhythmia, it delivers a shock treatment to restore the patient's heart to a normal rhythm.

He has a feeding tube because his swallow reflex is weak but they hope that will come back.

He will hopefully be transferred to the critical care rehab early this week.

He's video called me on the Facebook messenger app (with help of the nurse) a few times and I have to try to think of things to say after the initial I love you, it's going to be OK, the kids love you, the cat misses you, etc. 

Considering I like to think of myself as a writer, I find I am extremely un-creative in thinking of things to talk about. He can't answer anything (barely can nod his head) so I am just giving him a rundown of things I've cleaned today, the shows I've watched, the things I bought at the market.

So last night I'm blathering on about nothing in particular and said "I suppose you are going to get a new roommate soon" (not mentioning the part about his last roommate dying the night before) when a disembodied man's voice comes out of nowhere saying "He already has a new roommate".

Oh, Lord... some stranger has had to listen to me go on for the last 5 minutes talking about stuff like how I had finally gotten those hard water stains out of the upstairs toilet.

And I lied.... it wasn't a "quick" update.

So thank you if made it this far.

 

 

 February 1 ~ Monday

 

Monday Monday.

I didn't post an update yesterday because there really wasn't anything to report.

It looks like Jeff will finally be moved to a critical care rehab today that is about half an hour (24 miles) away. 

There was another one but it was 30 miles away and in a direction that traffic can be terrible.

Not that I will be visiting him anytime soon (I am assuming that I can't visit him there.)

Yesterday was just overall not a great day. 

After an initial burst of cleaning, I couldn't get motivated to do anything other than watch TV and feel worse and worse as the day went on.

Chris (my oldest kid) and his girlfriend came by and that helped me feel better while they were here but then they left and I was overwhelmed about being alone. My youngest, who lives here, works a full-time job so we don't see each other a lot.

So pretty much it's just me and the felines.

Two of my daughters called me on Facetime towards the evening and I finally managed to break out of the funk.

The worst part of this is the uncertainty and unknown future.

Today has been pretty good so far and I have to give myself a break and not be too hard for thoughts that are obviously my brain telling me it's going to be OK no matter what.

I've broken into season three of NCIS, watched Mystery Men, and am considering trying out some of the shows some of my friends have suggested.

I can't bring myself to watch any Star Trek or even finish up the Expanse or the Stand because he and I were watching those together.

I promised myself to try to write at least 500 words a day (I used to want 1500 + but I haven't been able to write anything in a while so anything is a positive).

I'm sure I will find a picture of one of the cats to post soon as well.

 

February 2 ~ Tuesday

 

He didn't make it.

 

February 3 ~ Wednesday

 

Hello all.

Let me start by sending out my deepest appreciation for all the support and kind words that I have received both on Facebook and off.

This was one of the most unexpected things to ever happen in my life and I'm trying to cope with everything through a haze of heart-wrenching grief.

Jeff died early February 2 which somehow coincided with the anniversary of my mother's death in 2004.

He had another heart attack, which triggered the life vest he was wearing but it could not revive him.

I will be OK but I need to implore you all to please always tell your loved ones how you feel and never let problems or grievances last because you never know when it will be too late.

Jeff had been estranged from several family members when this happened and every single one is crushed beyond belief that they now have no chance to make things right.

It should not take a tragedy to bring families back together.

I have a few family and friends coming out to see me over the next few weeks which I am looking forward to and also need very much.

I think I will also fly up to Seattle maybe next month to be with my girls for a few days.

 

                                              ******

 

 

Jeff was an organ donor which I had forgotten about until the donor organization called me about it just a few hours after I got the news of his passing. I realize now why many people do not want to allow their loved ones to be donors because of everything they have to tell you about the procedures. I blocked out most of what they were telling me because I could not imagine knowing what they would do to him.

I gave my consent and thought that was the end of it.

I was trying to figure out what arrangements to go forward with. I knew I was going to have him cremated but it wasn't something I had budgeted for (obviously) and was trying to figure out how I was going to pay for it when I got a call telling me that if I wanted to go one step further then organ donation, we could do a full-body donation and they would cover the cost of cremation and I would get his remains back in about 3 weeks.

Just what I needed, another decision and trying not to think about what happens to your loved one if you say yes.

I eventually decided to go ahead with it because (as everyone kept telling me) Jeff was a science guy and if he wanted to donate his organs, why wouldn't he want to donate his body too.

So I hope at least that in his passing he can give a better life or sight or something else vital to help someone else.

 

 February 7 ~ Sunday

Happy Disney Sunday Everyone.

I used to write a blog and every Sunday I would start it with that phrase because when I was a kid in the 70s Sunday was the day I got to watch Disney on TV while eating dinner.

Currently, my biggest issue is that the hospital can't seem to find his personal belongings which include his wedding ring. I think we've narrowed it down to the emergency room losing his items and there is the possibility that his bag got put under the bed he was on and no one noticed it and the bag is still rolling around the hospital someplace unnoticed. I don't care for a minute about the clothes or his Fitbit but I am deeply upset that no one knows where his ring is.

I've had some very nice people trying to help me but as of yet, no one knows where to look. I've talked to the head of the emergency room and the director of the hospital and am waiting for the next person on the way up the chain to answer my phone calls.

I'm trying to prepare myself that I may never get his ring back and that makes me sad.

On a positive note, I've discovered how many wonderful people I have in my life and how I have neglected my relationships with them over the years and promise to never let that happen again.

Again, it's sad that it takes a tragic event to bring people together but at least it seems we are all learning from this and hopefully we will all live our life a little more kind, a little more caring, and with an understanding about what is really important before we shuffle off this mortal coil.