Friday, January 8, 2010

Socks, Jeans and Baby Fat

Why am I the only one without socks?

Everyone else in the house has socks. What about me?

I open my drawer and there is one pair of balled up socks rolling around and I'm not even sure if it's a matched set.

I would blame the ravenous sock eating dryer but that would suggest that it was being selective in the socks it swallowed. I don't exactly give it that much credit.

Of course I could be wrong.

Just like I could be wrong about the fact that it selectively shrinks my clothes too.

I can put any number of items into the dryer and it will only shrink my favorites. And it never shrinks them from side to side... only top to bottom so when I put them on I look like Lulu the clown.

Of course this will all be easier when I finally get into a solid size of smaller clothing. Right now I am between sizes. Mostly everything is too small and I refuse to purchase anything bigger... OK I am between sizes because I'm cheap but thats beside the point .... I do however have these 2 pairs of identical pants. One is, lets say a size 2 and other is a size 4 (dont I wish) with the size 4 being the bigger pair for all you logically challenged people out there.

I can take size 4 out of the dryer and slide into them and they fit perfect. Snug in the right places, comfortably loose in others. Fast forward 2 hours and the waist has loosened up and is hanging somewhere south of the top of my underwear (which I guess would be fine if I was wearing a lacy pink thong but I tend to go more for the comfy cotton briefs these days and I dont think anyone wants to see those. Not that anyone wants to see a lacy pink pair of thongs on someone who needs to lose weight, but I digress).

But anyway here am waddling around trying to keep my pants from slipping to homeboy level which is about 3 inches below the bottom of my rear end and wondering why I didn't wear the size 2 jeans in the first place. Then I remember that it takes hours until I can button the top two buttons and be able to take a normal breath. Of course once I get to that point they fit perfect and dont have the migratory habits of the larger pair. I just have to remember to wear a long shirt if I go out of the house to keep someone from thinking I either forget to do up those 2 buttons after using the bathroom or I just got caught in the middle of a quickie and didn't quite get it all together yet.

I keep telling myself that these issues will all be long forgotten when I lose this extra baby fat I've got going on. Alright so my baby is 9 years old but I still think of him like my baby and therefore I can refer to my pudge as baby fat.

It sounds so much better that way.

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