So what is it that parents want for their kids?
Most people say they want them to be happy.
"As long as they are happy, I'm happy"
But happy is subjective. Sometimes when someone is doing something that makes them happy, they are inadvertently making others unhappy while they are doing it. And since they were raised to with the "be happy at all costs" mentality they don't give a wits bit of care if their being happy bothers someone else.
What I want most for my kids is for them to become adults that think of other people. Not at the expense of themselves, but to be aware of what is going on around them. How others are feeling and how their actions affect other people they are in contact with.
I stress to them often to think about what they say and how they conduct themselves. Pay attention to the effect they are having on the world.
I admit to micromanaging them when they are small.... making sure they don't push the other kid at the park or shove in front of the line when they want to get on the slide or grab a toy from another playmate. Always correcting behavior that might give them the label "does not play well with others". And as they get older I do less of that. Most parents do it the other way around. They let the little kids do whatever they want because "Its cute" or "They will grow out of it" or "They don't know any better".
I can tell you that kids do not grow out of cute obnoxious behavior. It stays obnoxious but stops being cute. And they won't know better unless they are told. Often. If you don't get your kids used to being guided (and accepting it) when they are little they won't suddenly decide you know what you're talking about when they hit their teens. You know, the time when they need the most advice and are the least likely to take it?
Most people tell me I have great kids. And often they ask "How do you get them to act like that?". I tell them they don't have a choice. Well what does THAT mean they want to know. That means they listen or get a consequence if they don't listen the first time (Well OK sometimes the second but never more than that). Nothing severe, maybe just leaving the store or being taken to the car if they aren't acting the way they should. Sent to their room if they are at home. For Jeffrey it's simply the threat that I would raise my voice and direct attention to him that keeps him in line. Frankly I rarely if ever have to enact a consequence. They know I'm serious when I tell them to knock it off because they know I will follow through.
I also want my kids to behave when they are out of my sight. And I want them to behave because they know it's the right thing to do, not because they are afraid they will get in trouble.
How many parents say "I have to put the fear of God in my kids so they will listen to me." That isn't the foundation for building character.
True character comes from doing the right thing because you know it's right not because someone is watching you and you might get in trouble.
It starts when they are toddling around and they look to you, the parent, to build the guard rails for their life. As they get older you can start loosening the reigns and widening the road. You will have given them the tools they need to keep on the right path.
Set them up for success early by teaching them to have self control, to be empathetic to those around them and to be mindful of how their actions are affecting their environment.
If we all taught our children this way then I'm pretty sure the world would not be in the shape it is in today.
Most people say they want them to be happy.
"As long as they are happy, I'm happy"
But happy is subjective. Sometimes when someone is doing something that makes them happy, they are inadvertently making others unhappy while they are doing it. And since they were raised to with the "be happy at all costs" mentality they don't give a wits bit of care if their being happy bothers someone else.
What I want most for my kids is for them to become adults that think of other people. Not at the expense of themselves, but to be aware of what is going on around them. How others are feeling and how their actions affect other people they are in contact with.
I stress to them often to think about what they say and how they conduct themselves. Pay attention to the effect they are having on the world.
I admit to micromanaging them when they are small.... making sure they don't push the other kid at the park or shove in front of the line when they want to get on the slide or grab a toy from another playmate. Always correcting behavior that might give them the label "does not play well with others". And as they get older I do less of that. Most parents do it the other way around. They let the little kids do whatever they want because "Its cute" or "They will grow out of it" or "They don't know any better".
I can tell you that kids do not grow out of cute obnoxious behavior. It stays obnoxious but stops being cute. And they won't know better unless they are told. Often. If you don't get your kids used to being guided (and accepting it) when they are little they won't suddenly decide you know what you're talking about when they hit their teens. You know, the time when they need the most advice and are the least likely to take it?
Most people tell me I have great kids. And often they ask "How do you get them to act like that?". I tell them they don't have a choice. Well what does THAT mean they want to know. That means they listen or get a consequence if they don't listen the first time (Well OK sometimes the second but never more than that). Nothing severe, maybe just leaving the store or being taken to the car if they aren't acting the way they should. Sent to their room if they are at home. For Jeffrey it's simply the threat that I would raise my voice and direct attention to him that keeps him in line. Frankly I rarely if ever have to enact a consequence. They know I'm serious when I tell them to knock it off because they know I will follow through.
I also want my kids to behave when they are out of my sight. And I want them to behave because they know it's the right thing to do, not because they are afraid they will get in trouble.
How many parents say "I have to put the fear of God in my kids so they will listen to me." That isn't the foundation for building character.
True character comes from doing the right thing because you know it's right not because someone is watching you and you might get in trouble.
It starts when they are toddling around and they look to you, the parent, to build the guard rails for their life. As they get older you can start loosening the reigns and widening the road. You will have given them the tools they need to keep on the right path.
Set them up for success early by teaching them to have self control, to be empathetic to those around them and to be mindful of how their actions are affecting their environment.
If we all taught our children this way then I'm pretty sure the world would not be in the shape it is in today.
