The Gym Diaries

After a summer filled with lazy days and overeating nights, we started back to the gym last week.

We figured since we drive right past it after dropping the kids off at school, we should at least drop in and see if it was still there.

It was.

And so were all the medieval torture devices that they try to pass off as "exercise" equipment.

Jeff has an official piece of paper that says he qualified to instruct me on their usage. A fact he takes full advantage of. He makes Jillian Michaels look like Mother Theresa.

But I am a compliant and easy going student. Rarely complaining and following his instructions without question.
A young grasshopper to his master Po.

Why are you all shaking your head and rolling your eyes?

OK, the truth is I fear one day he is going to hand me a weight and I am going to drop it on his foot and run while he can't chase me. Unfortunately he carries the car keys so I probably wouldn't get very far. And I think he may have paid one of the desk staff to tackle me if they see me bolting for the door.

Now don't get me wrong... I like working out... I really do. (No, really). It's just so much work. And the weights are so heavy. Yes yes, I know thats the point but humor me here.

I am sore and grouchy after having spent part of the morning trying to shove a 65 pound bar off my chest. Pesky thing kept coming back.

We need to keep in mind that I possess an athletic ability of about 4.5 on a scale of 1-100 so I am lucky that some some of the things I am made to do are kept to the confines of the gym. I wouldn't want to scare small children or embarrass myself more than usual.

Hanging from the pull up machine, shoulders straining to their breaking point, I turn a pleasing shade of purple and manage to hoist myself an inch and half higher.

I am now stuck half way to the top.

I try to let go but find my fingers are frozen in a death grip around the handles.

I realize if I hang there much longer I risk bringing attention to myself when they have to call 911 to help get me down or I need to suck it up and haul my ass the rest of the way to the top of the bar and get it over with.

I strain and pull and run through my repertoire of bad words and finally mange to finish my required number of  sets and am allowed to step off and allow someone else the pleasure.

No one said being in shape was easy, but it would sure be nice if I could reward myself for my effort with a nice bowl of ice cream. Maybe with some apple pie crumbled on top under some whipped cream with caramel sauce and topped off with peanut butter cups for good measure.

I think that may cancel out the whole gym thing, but I can't be 100% sure.

Do you need your toilet unclogged?

So on the first day of school the kids each had to tell something about themselves so that the class would get to know them better.

This got me thinking.. exactly what would I personally say if I had to get up and talk about myself?

I mean, could I actually think of something that wouldn't make people excuse themselves to take a quick phone call and then never come back?

Probably not but these are the things I came up with....

I am afraid of the dark.
My body may live in the present but my imagination lives in a 1940's black and white Hitchcock movie where every dark corner and unopened closet harbor villains plotting my demise.

I am also afraid of spiders.
Yet I am the person everyone calls when there is one in the house that needs to be removed.
And they always want it REMOVED, not squished.
 I am better at the squishing than the removing.

I am also the person they call when the plumbing has stopped working.
But I am not sure I would want to share that tidbit.
"Hello my name is Melora. Do you need your toilet unclogged?"
Not the best conversation starter.

I don't own a bathing suit that fits.
With my figure it's shocking I know.

I am a certified sci-fi geek.
If a movie or TV show has a spaceship in it ~~ I will watch it.
If a cup or T-shirt has Star Trek on it ~~ I will buy it.
If a book takes place in outer space ~~ I will read it.
This factoid has the possibility of boosting that "need to take a quick phone call" excuse.

I am a fashion disaster.
I don't own a belt and only have one purse.

I own just enough make-up to cover the occasional blemish or be presentable if I have to show up in public and appear somewhat adult.

The only reason I am still allowed to be called a girl is that I can pull the "I birthed 5 children" card and they let the title stand.

I love to eat.

I guess I don't have to announce that.

But I am trying to make it less obvious.
I keep trying to develop that eating disorder where you don't eat because you think you are too fat.
I've got it half right so far.
When I can incorporate the other half,  I might once again own a bathing suit that fits.

I like the way coffee smells.
But I will only drink it if it's drowned in French Vanilla Creamer.
Otherwise it tastes too much like.... coffee. (Go figure).

I secretly want my children to live with me forever.
And at the same time I have a calendar hidden under my bed counting the days until college.

I really like cats.
I have 3 of them.
Every so often it's 3 too many.
I say that about my children sometimes.

I like to write.
I've been writing since I was 4 years old.
I think the blog thing works well for me because my attention span isn't that long and I can finish something before I get distracted by other things....

Do you smell cookies?
I smell cookies....
Be right back.....

The Oversight

It's Monday AND the kids are home....

DOUBLE PRIZES!!

There has also been a heinous oversight. 

I neglected to make it to Costco yesterday for cat food.

This morning I was alerted to this travesty.

And to make matters worse, Costco is closed today.

Here's hoping I make it through the day without being ambushed by cats who are obviously starving and wasting away to nothing.

Whose idea was this?

So what is it with these dang school schedules?

Start school on a Wednesday making the first week of school 3 days...

Do this right before the Friday - Monday Labor Day weekend, thereby making the next week a 4 day week..

BUT WAIT!!!!

Give the kids Thursday of that week off and VOILA! Another 3 day week.

Somebody shoot me!

If kids were cats this would be the story of my weekend....

Expendibility

Sometimes things just strike me as incredibly funny.....

But I guess one has to like Star Trek to fully appreciate the humor

Crash Boom BANG!

Today I am a magnet and all things inconvenient and unnecessary are iron.

Placing a bike on a rolled up hose directly outside a bedroom window and then leaving it there without regard to how stable it is, is extremely unnecessary and becomes quickly inconvenient when handle of said bike decides to get up close and personal with said window.

"WHAT WAS THAT NOISE?????"

A vast silence falls over the house.

This house is never this quiet unless no one is in it.

Or they are trying to avoid detection.

"HELLO?????"

I can hear the grass growing.

Suddenly Alex's voice, high and panicked...."Don't touch anything!! Oh my lord, what happened?? Who put the bike through the window?"

Well now I know what the sound was.

Cue Jeffrey appearing through the sliding door on the opposite side of the house. He's trying to look nonchalant and innocent but his face is sweaty and his eyes are red and swollen.

"Jeffrey did you drop your bike against the window?"

"Ummmmm... ummmmmm.... no, I mean I don't think so.... I mean..... ummmmmm"

Long pause punctuated by huge watery tears springing from his eyes and dribbling down his face.

He suddenly flings himself against me, wrapping his arms around my waist and burying his face in my shirt.

"I'M SORRY!!! I'M SO SORRY!!!! DADDY IS GOING TO KILL ME!!!!"

 I think there must be secret classes for kids where they teach them how to evoke so much sympathy when they do something wrong that it's hard to stay mad at them.

I was really groping for something to write about and I was pretty OK with the fact that I was going to skip a day.

But I guess the universe didn't like that idea.

I had a dream.....

I was tucking Jeffrey into bed last night/

"I hope I have the same kind of dream like I had last night."

"Really what kind did you have?"

"I had a wet dream."

(long speechless silence)

"Really? Um, well... OK.... Really?"

"Yes.. I had a very pleasant dream. I read about that in the book you gave me."

(Somehow these things always end up being my fault)

"Which book was that?"

"You know.... What's Happening to me. It tells you about whats happening to your body as you get older."

(He actually read it..what do you know)

"OOOOooooooh OK."

"Yes it says that a wet dream is a very pleasant dream and that's what I had.
In my dream someone gave me a whole box of video games that I didn't have.
It made me so happy!"

"Jeffrey..."

"Yes?"

"It's better if you don't call it that. Say you had a happy dream, or a good dream... but not a.. you know..WET dream."

"How come?"

"Jeff! Can you come in here and explain something to your son."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Being that today is the first day of school, I am REALLY hoping that when the teacher asks them to stand up and talk about their summer that Jeffrey doesn't tell the class about his pleasant dreams.