Dessert Disappointment

I was mentally unprepared for the fact I had to eat my dessert without the creamy goodness I had been planning because the bottle of whipped cream that had been sitting in the fridge, tempting me, calling my name, promising me untold delights, instead elicited nothing but a few little drops of watery nothingness because whoever used it last either wanted to hide the fact that they used it up or they were too lazy to walk it over to the trash can.

When I asked around the general consensus was no one knew WHAT I was talking about and hurriedly changed the subject.

When mornings attack

My morning:
Out of breakfast for 17 year old cat who is walking on Jeff's head at 6 AM.
Out of coffee which I need to be awake enough to drive kids to school. 
Wait, I'm desperate, I'll reheat yesterday's leftover coffee.
UGH no creamer. Just shoot me now.
Out of Baggies for the kids sandwiches. Wrap them in plastic wrap.
THEN out of paper sacks to put said baggie-less sandwiches in. Substitute plastic grocery bags. (I'm sure the kids won't mind.)
Shove kids out the door 20 minutes early so I can stop at the market and get coffee, creamer and cat food.
Agent J having issues that he didn't get to finish his morning beauty routine. 
Get to the market, discover I've left my phone at home.
Mini heart attack that this will be the day the van implodes and I will be stuck on the side of the road for hours unable to alert husband to my situation.
Get kids to school 15 minutes early despite hearing "MOOOOMMMMM... We're going to be LAAAAAATTTE" all the way there.
Get home safely after being sure every noise wasn't the van's last gasp of life.
Walk in house look for phone.
Find it in my purse. (The one I had with me).
Can I get a reboot on my morning please?

I see you

Have your kids out grown the need to watch you while you're in the bathroom?

Get a cat, relive the pleasure.

 

 

 

Alone? There is no alone.

 

"Why is this bathroom door closed? I just want to be with you. And have you turn on the sink water so I can drink it and get my head wet and shake it all over you while you are sitting there.

What's wrong with that?"

The No Play List

Apparently Billy Idol (or for that matter anything from 1980's) is on the restricted list of what I am not allowed to play while performing school drop off duties in the morning. 

Because, well you know, they have cool friends who don't understand that kind of stuff.

Kids in Black

The kids go to a very small school. 
So it's not unusual to get personal phone calls from the staff about random stuff which leads to that awkward moment when you realize you really don't know everything that goes on with your kid when they are out of your sight.

Yesterday the phone rings.

Me: Hello
VP: Hello Mrs Zucker?
Me: Yes
VP: This is Mrs R, the vice principal at AAEC, I had a question for you about Jay.
Me: (racking my brain trying to figure out who she is talking about)
VP: Just a quick question... it won't take a very long.... Mrs Zucker?
Me: Um, I'm sorry... Who is this about?
VP: About Jay. Your Son.
Me: Uh... Do you mean Jeffrey? (Don't want to get into a whole conversation and find out she is talking to the wrong parent).
VP: (laughing) Oh yes, he goes by Jay at school. Did you not know that?

Well obviously not. 
And now I suddenly feel like one of those out of touch parents who is completely oblivious to their children's lives.

And I am wondering if perhaps Jeffrey has secretly joined Men in Black and now requires everyone to call him Agent J. 
Has Katherine joined too and now I will have to call her Agent K?

I decide against offering this possibility to the VP so I don't blow anyone's cover and casually answer:
Oh yes, now that you mention it, I do seem to remember him telling me about that. 

A small lie was better than an admission of ignorance any day.

As I walk through the valley where I harvest my grain

 

I found the secret to being able to listen to music while dropping the kids at school. It's not important WHAT I am listening to, it's what I APPEAR to be listening to. So Weird Al's "Amish Paradise" cranked to the level you can hear the bass outside the car is perfectly acceptable as long as no one gets too close to hear the words. Because the white lady driving a Honda van listening to Gansta Rap seems perfectly legit.