The Dark Truth

Occasionally I like to try to impress my children with my vast knowledge base.

No laughing please.

I may not be like the encyclopedia I am married to who can read an article and absorb all the facts and then repeat them verbatim, understanding everything he is imparting. But I do know a thing or two that might seem impressive when you're under 4 foot tall.

Thanks to an over the top 5th grade teacher, I know all the states and their capitals and can point them out on a map.

I am better than average at teen Jeopardy being able to call out the answer faster than the high schooler contestants.... and occasionally surprise myself and know a number of the harder answers on adult Jeopardy. I have even proven that I am indeed smarter than a 5th grader. Most of the time.

I can name most dog breeds by sight, even the more obscure ones. (Yes I know.. you're jealous).

I am fairly good at being able to use correct grammar and am above average in spelling. (Even though spell check just informed me I spelled grammar incorrectly..  ironic to be sure)

I am really very good at "pencil puzzles" and aces at logic problems (having gotten an A+ in symbolic logic in college). Perhaps I should have gone into military intelligence..cracking codes and what not. (but not cracking COEDS as I originally mis-typed.)

The kids take most of my knowledge in stride, none too impressed with me knowing that Pierre is the Capital of South Dakota or that dog we saw walking down the street was a Dandy Dinmont terrier, or even that I answered the $1000 question on Jeopardy when none of the contestants did. But what they always do comment on is that fact that I can tell them which opera a particular song came from and I can even hum the tune.

WOW mom how did you know that came from the Barber of Seville? Or Ride of the Valkyries? Where did you learn that? In college?

Unfortunately I cannot tell them the dark truth to this question. It would take all mystique out of what seems to be awe inspiring to them.

And the truth, dear reader is that I spent my Saturday mornings as a kid watching the worlds funniest rabbit.. Bugs Bunny. Yes, those cartoons that were filled with classical references to some of the more memorable operas.. either poking fun or simply using the music. It would be hard to tell my kids that I gained this impressive knowledge by spending my childhood Saturday mornings holed up in my parents room, eating 3 bowls of cereal and watching cartoons.

Shhhhhh.. don't tell them!

Seriously?

No, I mean it..seriously?

All these years all I had to do was get some vitamins so I could cook clean and dust more and my husband would think I was I was cuter?

Who knew?

I guess the people in the 1930's thats who!

Grandma Jeffrey

It's tough when your 9 year old worries more about things than you do.

His scope of concerns run far and wide and encompass not just himself but everyone around him.

He's a Jewish grandma in a little boy suit.

"MOM! Katherine is going out to ride her bike..."

"Yes and?"

"She just finished eating and she will get sick to her stomach if she rides her bike now.. she needs to wait for at least half an hour."

"Jeffrey, that's swimming.... relax."

__________

"Mom, the expiration date on this dressing says it's best if used by today.... why did you put it on my salad? Isn't it going make me sick if I eat it?"

"It's fine Jeffrey, you just had some last night."

"Yes, but last night was yesterday and it hadn't expired yet.. today it's expired.... Are you sure I won't get sick?"

I stifle the urge to say something sarcastic about why anyone would poison him on purpose.

__________

(From the back seat, bobbing and weaving to get a good look at the instrument panel):  "Mom the speed limit is 65 on the freeway, it looks like you are going almost 70."

(Thank you officer)

(Continuing to crane around to get a good look at the gauges): "Mom, the gas gauge is on empty, aren't we going to run out of gas?"

"It's not completely empty, the light isn't on yet and I plan on stopping for gas as soon as we get off the freeway."

"Yes but what if the light is broken and we run out of gas before we get off the freeway?
We will be stopped in traffic and other people will run into us and the car will be wrecked."

"The light is not broken."

"How do you know?"

"I just do OK?"

"Yes but HOW do you know? Is there some other light that tells you when other lights are broken?
What if ALL the lights are broken?"

You know what kid... you're going to give yourself an ulcer.

_____________

It's not that I don't appreciate the fact that in reality he is just looking out for everyone's health and safety...

It's just that he will never take anyone's word for it when we tell him it's going to be OK.

He is pretty sure that he is the only one of the group who senses danger and if he doesn't warn us all, we will all get sick to our stomachs, die of food poisoning or be stuck on the highway of life out of gas and helpless because we didn't see the warning signs like he did.

I guess we're all lucky that he's here.

More Things Forgotten

I do believe I must suffer from early onset Alzheimer's disease. Only I can't remember why

No seriously... I forget more things on a daily basis then is normal, I'm sure of it.

The other day Jeff called me to come to the dojo and bring him the vacuum (he was fixing the wall and made a dusty mess). That was all he called me for, that was all I had to remember. That was the only reason I was leaving the house. So of course I walked to the car, drove to the dojo, got out of the car, walked into the dojo smiling happily.... right up to the point that I realized the vacuum was sitting back at the house forgotten as I breezed past it out door.

That was a tough one to explain.

"Exactly how does one forget the only thing you were leaving the house for?"

"Ummmmm..... I was so excited to come down and see you it overrode any rational thought and I raced out the door without any thought what-so-ever?"

I added a particularly cheesy smile.

"Yes well I buy the no thought what-so-ever part".

I deserved that I suppose.

The Blog Forgotten

 Hell hath no neglect like a blog forgotten.

It hasn't exactly been forgotten, Ive just been so overwhelmed and busy that I haven't had a spare moment to sit and do something pleasurable like blogging.

And while family life trudges forward, the summer has felt a million years long but the school year is in sight.

I miss my older kids who in moments of inspired independence have moved too far away to see them often. Even my oldest daughter who is only 30 miles away, is going to school so can't make it out more than a few times a month.

I suppose it makes me try to squeeze as much enjoyment as possible out of the younger crew who are still living at home because one day they will spread their wings and head off into the great unknown called life. And there won't be any others to fill up that void.

Don't get me wrong... I don't want more kids and I honestly can't wait to get this bunch back into school so I have a few minutes alone to do silly things, like think or use the bathroom without inquiry as to where I am.

Occasionally though there are moments that just remind you not to take yourself too seriously.

A couple weeks back I came across a baggie of those magnetic words that you can put up on the fridge and  make sentences.  I put the words up  making sure to remove the ones that I might not want them to use... I had purchased the "Love and Romance" add on set years ago and all those were mixed in. Though in the first day Jeff noted that Jeffrey was simply reading the words out loud and came across "Blow Me" strung together when I put them up. (No I wasn't paying attention)

After that we started getting more g-rated contributions

Katherine's included:
The moon is beautiful in the dark
Peace and Love

Alex added:
Please darling unicorn come laugh on our moon forever

Jeff  thought up:
They might like a dragon for dinner
Eat that monster creature from the boat
he also snuck "Bad Wolf" into the mix (Dr Who fans will appreciate that)

I wrote:
A pink goddess will sing and dance with the mermaid
Celebrate awesome love
Please kiss the bubble monster

And in the middle of all the flowery words and romantic thoughts was Jeffrey's addition:

"I ate a crayon".

Yep, that's my gifted child.

Socks, Jeans and Baby Fat

Why am I the only one without socks?

Everyone else in the house has socks. What about me?

I open my drawer and there is one pair of balled up socks rolling around and I'm not even sure if it's a matched set.

I would blame the ravenous sock eating dryer but that would suggest that it was being selective in the socks it swallowed. I don't exactly give it that much credit.

Of course I could be wrong.

Just like I could be wrong about the fact that it selectively shrinks my clothes too.

I can put any number of items into the dryer and it will only shrink my favorite tops. And it never shrinks them from side to side... only top to bottom so when I put them on I look like Lulu the clown.

Of course this will all be easier when I finally get into a solid size of smaller clothing. Right now I am between sizes. Mostly everything is too small and I refuse to purchase anything bigger... OK I am between sizes because I'm cheap but that's beside the point .... I do however have these 2 pairs of identical pants. One is somewhere around a size 12 and other is somewhere around a size 14 with the size 14 being the bigger pair for all you logically challenged people out there.

I can take the size 14 out of the dryer and slide into them and they fit perfect. Snug in the right places, comfortably loose in others. Fast forward 2 hours and the waist has loosened up and is hanging somewhere south of the top of my underwear (which I guess would be fine if I was wearing a lacy pink thong but I tend to go more for the comfy cotton briefs, aka grandma panties,  nowadays and I don't think anyone wants to see those. Not that anyone wants to see a lacy pink pair of thongs on someone who needs to lose weight, but I digress).

But anyway here am waddling around trying to keep my pants from slipping to homeboy level which is about 3 inches below the bottom of my rear end and wondering why I didn't wear the size 12 jeans in the first place. Then I remember that it takes hours until I can button the top two buttons and be able to take a normal breath. Of course once I get to that point they fit perfect and don't have the migratory habits of the larger pair. I just have to remember to wear a long shirt if I go out of the house to keep someone from thinking I either forget to do up those top 2 buttons after using the potty or I just got caught in the middle of a quickie and didn't quite get it all together yet.

I keep telling myself that these issues will all be long forgotten when I lose this extra baby fat I've got going on. Alright so my baby is 9 years old but I still think of him like my baby and therefore I can refer to my pudge as baby fat.

It sounds so much better that way.

Helmets Ahoy

"I want to wear a helmet when I try out the bike in the garage" Jeffrey announced referring to the new spin bike we had just purchased.

Well alrighty then, I didn't realize I had invited him to try it.

I also didn't realize that his feet could reach the pedals.

"You don't have to wear a helmet when you ride a bike like that"

"Why not?"

"Because you only wear a helmet when there is a possibility or think you might fall."

"Well I expect to fall.. thats why I want a helmet."

A kid with a plan thats what I like.

"Um Jeffrey?"

"Yes"

"I hate to break it to you but you wont fit on the bike in the garage. You're legs aren't long enough."

"I know..... thats why I need the helmet."

Well who can argue with that?